because i should have something to say by now

this is an interesting hodge podge of realms.... i'm blogging on the computer at my father's house in a jersey suburb. more affectionately referred to by yours truly as "the highest room in the tallest tower." supposed to have the jersey version of my send off tomorrow out here, but it's too far for some people to get to, and i didn't do my best at pre planning, so many have not been able to make the preparations necessary to travel. it will be fine; i will see those i am meant to see when i am meant to see them. it will be fine. still haven't done any creative writing really, just journaling (which counts on some days but not others). have to work out my computer situation because i realize that my having one is not merely a luxury. i will not use my work place pc for personal use (at least not so early in the game, are you kidding me?), so i need my own not only to maintain communication with all you beautiful people but to find the directions to my nearest grocery, library, museum, etc. i don't mind getting lost, but my tolerance may shrink when i only have my weekends free to go there and back again. i will be in kansas city alone, and for how long i cannot yet say. it sucks, but (and this might not sound the way i mean it) it is a little easier to bare when i know that it's tough on the other end too. not just some "see you when i see you" type stuff. i considered deployment necessary. schooling - necessary. i guess i should try to see this in the same light because relocation isn't simple. in fact, it may only be simple for a recent college graduate (are you going to scraborough fare?) who has only the shit she can fit in her dorm room and a bed (thanks byrd).... i'm leaving my baby brother and sister, who aren't babies at all but still very impressionable. in stages in their lives where molding is crucial. i feel in a way that i am abandoning them. one going into high school in the fall and the other next fall. i need to be here to put a tough-loving foot in their asses so that they get and keep their games up. say it with me, "college scholarship!" but my leo half is back from spain, so i feel a little better about leaving. she don't play.... accepting privilege is hard, man. looking at the two youngest ones i realize that tasha and i got a leg up (4 real) spending the time that we did with my dad. it wasn't perfectly peachy, but we saw people in a different environment. we saw people who had things and had been places and saw that shit as completely normal. we saw something besides jersey city, and i love jersey city but you know what? it will be there. probably no different than it was when i left it. i want them to go places and see things and dream big and have limitless perceptions and realize that perception is reality. i want all of this for them. i want this for all of my family, but it would probably be easiest for the youngest ones....transformation in the very space that helped to mold you is some tricky shit. i hope we can do it. i hope we can pull it off....in other news: love is wonderful, friends are stellar, life is adventure, and we are/not ordinary people. let's close this out livejournal style
mood: anxious
music: the tv advertising some new drug, another one not approved by the fda

i'm leaving on a jet plane....wait no i'm not (or) making waves and going with the flow

something about flying to or around kansas city just doesn't work out. every flight that i've taken has been delayed to the umpteenth degree (so that's what it looks like spelled out). and though i only flew standby this time, in both directions, i still don't appreciate spending a combind extra 8 hours in these two airports. adding insult to injury, i became "the chosen one" for random searches going to kc and coming back. there was such a difference in the way that the woman handled my belongings in atl versus the man at kansas city iternational. he just rummaged through my shit and gave my bag back to me all open and whatnot. (if you are thinking that you know the races of the two individuals in this scenario, leave your answers in a comment. the winner gets a prize!). but on the up side, got my 1st apartment ya'll. it has the potential to be quite fly indeed. i'm in the "city" part and i look forward to exploring what is there.... unfortunately, i missed some really cool stuff when i had to go handle this shelter business, a film screening and a bridal shower. yes, in the same day. but i hear that they were both excellent shouts out to the protagonists in either of those plotlines. getting ready to go to home #1. i haven't spent any real time in jersey city since....damn it's been a minute. it will be wonderful to see people and places and have familiar smells (arroz con pollo) and eat the best fallafel in the world. planning another send of 4 up there, so the loved ones who aren't in atlanta can still say so long (and really i just want to throw another par....get together ;). alot of my blood fam is up there - some real crazies, but i love them nonetheless. i had to say goodbye to nyiamah yesterday; so hard. she started crying when we parted and i just wanted to take her with me. i love my sisters so much and i will miss them terribly. i talked to d today, and she asked me how i was feeling about mt transition. i said aside from missing everyone that i don't feel so displaced. told her i was going with the flow, but i was also making thw waves....yeah that's pretty accurate....

jumping the gun's not a problem, now removing the safety...

the curious thing about trying to move from passive agression to assertion (or assertiveness, if you will) is that it takes a while to get comfortable in - a minute before you really get the hang of it. and, of course, there's always those damn relapses of punktivity. so you walk around like a young mutant, an adolescent x-man who can't control when she shoots things off - when she destroys things. wrong times, wrong situations, wrong people, just wrong wrong wrong. the only thing right is the intention - to come clean, clear the air, make it better. but if intention alone was enough, well let me tell you my friend, we'd all be geniunely happy and fit and strong and charismatic and alot of other things.... just want to do what's right and simultaneously what is best for me (shouldn't those two be one and the same?). want to give and keep happiness. usually don't have trouble finding it, but it's a slippery little sucker. some mornings, nothing that happened the days before matters. starting new seems the natrual thing to do, but the evening brings yesterdays with him and voi-la! i'm back where i started, except with a few more complications than i remember, plus a contusion or two. may be beating my head against a brick wall; knowing what i don't want, but not what i do. i think that i've put a large helping of patience into the universe. here's hoping i make good on my return.

pace,
tmL

a hard day's night

i pulled my first all-nighter since i graduated in may (with the exception of the hallmark app, but the end justified the means) and let me say for the record - i do not miss them. being on the other side of procrastination makes me all the more adamant about reducing the tendency in myself. some of my girls (possessive much?) had papers due today and some tomorrow. i read about ten 7-10 page papers, 3 or so five paragraph essays, two powerpoint presentations ( and a partridge in a pear tree!) and did not rest until 4:30am. i spoke to jay briefly in between and he says, "have fun! you should be happy, your editing!" yeah, that and a dollar seventy-five will get me on the marta - one way. honestly, i was glad i could help them though. i tried to explain some of the corrections i made to them, like the grammatical/mechanical rules that apply. but for the most part, they just wanted me to fix it, and i realized that i am one of the few who really gets excited about the technique of writing (did i just put my geek status on blast?). the experience gave me a new found empathy for my past professors who took many moons to return papers. your eyes start to burn, the words run together, if it's not provocative and enlightening you just wanna fail it and call it a day. but you don't, of course. they weren't bad by any means, but the hours start to take their toll....wow, i probably sound like a teacher - all talking about "the kids", but that's really what's been goings on.

*in other news*

going to look at apartments soon; hope i find one that:
- i like
- is affordable (not cheap)
- is near my job
- has a cute super (just threw that in there to raise an eyebrow ;)
sayida and i, our lil' shindig is this sunday. some cannot attend and that kinda sucks, but that's what happens with late planning (note to self, fix that). i hope to see as many as i can and take just as many pictures. when i go back to jc, i'm gonna have a little send off there too - for the same reasons: goodbyes, pictures, address exchanging, etc. i hope being surrounded by so many beautiful people doesn't make the sudden shift to "teresa the dolo editor" a more difficult one. tasha will join me for the first few days, at least (shout-out, thanks gnomey). then, it's on to the kansas city life, which may have neither hustle nor bustle but perhaps a traffic light, some tumble weed, a grocery who still wears suspenders and coke-bottle glasses, and a candle making shop for weekend activity. j/k. i don't know what that city holds for me or what i have for it, but we will find out. we will do a dance together. bow and curtsey, rock and sway. it's not new york or atlanta, but i do look forward to it. someone was just telling me about a pearl cleage play they saw about black women and reclaiming their freedom in the midwest somewhere (kansas, i think). perhaps a greater freedom waits for me there? i won't anticipate finding her. i would rather a pleasant surprise. walk facing the left, so when freedom approaches on my right i can say i didn't seeing it coming. although we always see it coming, don't we? i also think that perhaps distance will bring me closer to some, those for whom proximity is more of an awkward hinderance than a convenience (myself included).... hand in hand/ still walking alone/ he holds the hand of a corpse/ she withdraws into her living mind and is dead outside/ wish he could join her there/ where she is everything she needs and everything he wants/ she asks, "will you come with me down this rabbit hole?"/ it's dark and damp, but there is an entire world waiting on the other side/ abide with me in that space/ free of assumptions and inconvenience/ free of temptation and shadows/ free of despair dancing in the sunshine/ "will you come with me down this rabbit hole?"/ of course it seems like down, but it's up somewhere/ nay, madame, i know not seems/ dreams deferred until they become nightmares/ he loves me, he loves me not/ one too many petals/ doesn't matter since they don't deal in flowers/ "will you come with me down this rabbit hole?"/ where we are equal but have our special parts/ no play is successful if the characters do not play their parts - do not know their lines/ "will you come with me down this rabbit (w)hole?"/ bring all of you, so that you cannot say that i did not touch you there/ so that you cannot say that i do not know you/ "will you come with me down...."/ "i'm late for a very important date!" he says/ and runs in the other direction....

on the come up...?

so, anyone who knows me knows that i am not the most tech-savvy chick you'll ever meet. but, lo and behold! i figured out how to add the linkage (holla!) -( wait, nobody says that anymore. wait, that doesn't matter). so there was probably a way to do that in the beginning that i totally overlooked and granted all i had to do was go to blogger help or something, but hey, i'm not about to undercut this accomplishment o'mine. also on the horizon: going to look at apartments in kc next week (kc. sounds like jc, but not quite). hallmark sent the relocation stipend, so i don't have to come outta pocket (and i definitely appreciate that). the program at spelman is winding down. which means so is my time here in atlanta and the east coast in general. less than a month...woah. maybe i'm making too big a deal of it, but i'm excited and nervous and a bunch of other things. and perception is reality, right? i want to have a gathering before i go. say farewell. exchange addresses and phone numbers and such. take pictures of the many beautiful people that i am blessed to know. gonna take pictures of the campus before i'm out to. maybe i'll decorate the new place with them. who knows? my life is changing so much, so why do i feel the same?

pace,
tmL

sometimes words just feel good to me

fluid/ liquidy openness/ languid boneless freedom/ sensible sensitive sensory-driven highwire hard act to follow/ easy to swallow goes down smooth but leaves you soon/ dissipates in orange rays/ are they from the moon or the sun?/ words be like maniac magee, sometimes they just run/ rhyme sometimes is the reason/ the meaning be in the nature of things/ one quarter to figure it out before it make change/ jingle in a pocket or on the TV/ comes to the same end/ never see it coming, but always see it go/ want to be more open but kept in a box/ want to move like pumas, but i only travel fox/ been dying to converse, but i can't seem to just do it/ want to be impulsive, but i always think through it/ want to choose an instance that would yield the least consequence - so much for a risk taker/ want to give it all away, but scared the world will not repay - so much for a love maker/ bet that if i play fair i can always win - so much for a high staker/ somebody take her away/ she's teasing the minors 'til the majors come out to play/ in the sappling stages of her hay day/ watch me grow/ reap solitude and sincerity/ watch me sow/ of this i'm absolutely certain, i do not know...

let's do the scooby doo ending...

ever have a day where the energy just feels all swiggly like flashback scenes in the movies?... uh... me either.

as the world turns

the summer days drift on in haze/ like hendrix but not purple/ more like bluish-green/ i ride a yellow submarine to the pleasure machine which takes me to a phantom tollbooth/ "ticket for one please"/ way one to audacity/ never thought she'd make it there/ so knowledgeable, but so unaware/ plenty of concerns, but never a care/ in the world this little girl is powerful/ so powerful that one more notch will leave her at powerless/ and out of breathe/ and filled with more or less/ or more of less/ like subtraction stew/ she was in trouble from the moment she took a bite and began to chew...

can i get closer?/ just let me get closer. / if you say no, then i'll gladly go, but don't/
leave me in suspended animation/ itching with anticipation/ reaching out for our next encounter/ while you point and laugh behind a double sided looking glass/ standing there with the bad cop/ comfortably shielded by my perception of you/ i'm not saying another word until i talk to my lawyer...

(i don't know what those were/ are/ will be yet)

hey young world! the world is yours! young world, young world! young wor-or-or-orld! wow, only just gone, but so far removed. i watch these girls in the program and wonder what is going on in their minds. do they just talk about alot of things that they've never experienced, they way we used to do? i'm afraid to think that the truth is that they know all too well of which they speak. took some of them across the street yesterday; apparently something has gone down to give one of the girls a "reputation" already. the guys started making sly, rude comments and she bucked up on 'em hard. i spoke to their RA and told him that if their boys couldn't behave as gentlemen then the ladies would have to leave (got to look out for my spelman sisters, even the potential ones). i really wanted to be a little less professional and help her chew their asses to a pulp (how you just gon' dis-retrospect me like that?). but, how can i defend you if you are not your own first line of defense? so, i want to talk to her, then meet with them and say, "see? when we say be careful about your behavior it's not because we're trying to spoil your fun. it's because guys can be real assholes and all they need is the slightest inkling to start a huge catastrophe. sometimes they don't need anythign at all." i'm trying to let them be independent but not too much. i'm trying to resist that overly maternal urge, but not too much...

in other news

i finish the program at spelman on july 23rd. i begin my first day at hallmark on august 8th. two weeks isn't alot of time to transition.

until next time,
tmL

ps- i did that thing from bettina's blog. i found the results quite...um...interesting?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

breathe and stop...

now i know what tom hanks must have felt like in terminal. in the airport all day, trying to fly stand by on the brink of one of the biggest commercial holidays of the summer (real smart, teresa). but 10 hours and 3 missed flights after i began my attempt i was on a plane back to atlanta. so, no harm no foul, right? i made it to my baby bro's graduation and i saw my family, including my long lost spanish sister, and it was well worth it. i didn't get to see my dad (sniff, sniff) but i see him when i go back at the end of the month...i didn't get to explore kc very much while i was there because of a really tight schedule, but i'll have time when i - (drum roll please) go back in august to start as and associate editor for the mahogany division - YEAH!!!! they called me yesterday afternoon while i was in the airport. it's so amazing! i am so blessed, and i ask myself, "what have i done so good to be so blessed?" i still can't answer that, but God knows how thankful i am. i have to figure out how to celebrate. once in atlanta and once in jersey, maybe? it feels so big, so overwhelming. i'll be so far away from the people i love so dearly. gotta get a computer now or my phone bill will be throught the roof... those i have told are happy for me, but some are sad that i will be so far away from them. i understand that; i'm sad too, in that regard... so, i'm still an RA here at spelman and i'm doing that job. i still have to move my things and i'm figuring out that situation. but nothing quite feels real right now. not an out-of-body experience, but maybe one foot in/ one foot out? i feel kinda light-headed and liquidy... crazy man. and it's not just the job but what it symbolizes. my life is in major transition right now, and it's kinda fun and scary and i'm gonna try to keep my eyes open for the whole ride.

peace,
tmL

there's a whole w(h)id(t)e world out there!

i'm goin' to kansas city, kansas city here i come...

flew into kansas city, mo, on the 26th. interviewed all day on the 27th, and i should know something by the end of this week. i wanted to hold out, to keep it to myself until i knew the final outcome, but what the hell? what good is this thing if i use it to keep informatin from people - especially the handful of ya'll who read it? so yes, i got the interview. yes, i feel like it went well. i want to claim it without being cocky. i want to have back-up plans without being pessimisstic (and i think i just butchered the spelling of that word). i didn't get to see much, but on the metropolis-meter kc is not ny; it's not jc; hell, it ain't even atl. they say, "it's the big city that feels like a small town." that sounds like code for, "we got alot of big buildings, but there isn't shit to do here." hope i'm wrong. hope i'm fortunate and blessed enough where my concern is what to do for fun in kc, nah mean?... the move is far and far removed, but it may be time for me to be unknown again... i did make it home and to my lil bro's 8th grade graduation. he cried, my mom cried, some teachers cried. i'm so proud of him; he's growing into such a young man and my little meLissa, well oh my goodness! families go through stuff sometimes, but damn do i love mine. i look at my baby brother and sister (who are 13 and 12 and not babies by any stretch of the imagination) and see no limit on their future. my mom, she is doing what she is capable of and i hope she feels validated in her efforts when we achieve the way that we do, all 5 of us in our respective ways...hot damn, my tasha is back. this is big ass news! this one has been in spain all school year and i have missed her like no other. today we cracked jokes ceaselessly and laughed 'til we cried and it was wonderful to not have to explain my humor - none of it. after graduation we went to my mom's and then met up at the mall later. our respective "ball-and-chains" were with us (i say that affectionately), but they walked behind us talking and we galivanted about, arm in arm, being sisters and best friends. bonded over the semi-annual, how lovely! worried about who to contact while i'm home. i know i won't be able to see everyone and picking and choosing is not my bag, never has been. but it would be wrong not to at least let people know that i am here, no?... with just a little more counsel, i made decide to take matters into my own hands. she said regret was one of the worst things to have. i agree. i only get to do this lifeitme once, right?...that's too far to be alone, bu maybe it will allow me to do some more growing up (wow, that shit never ends, huh?)... invited to be a part of 3, but wondering of there is a hidden invite to be a part of 2. both invitaions are tempting..when there is a euphoric confusion that starts to settle down, either by clarity or fatigue, do we stir it back up? perplex ourselves once more because we've become addicted to the butterflies?
"i guess i'll see you next lifetime. no hard feelings, baby." - erykah badu
"you ain't gotta save mine for later, i'd rather have it right now anyway." - darius lovehall (love jones)

peace,
tmL

money IS a thing (apparently)

so perhaps i should have been working all along, but i wasn't and maybe i confuse "lookin' out" for "trying to get over" but i feel i'm being played in a major way. i mean damn, i thought...but...well nevermind, initial purpose served i guess.so correction - i like being a traveler, not a nomad, especially when i've got all this stuff (it's not shit; they're good things, books and music and such). paying for storage is such a rip off. think about it - i pay to put some things in one spot and not touch them...huh? exactly. nonsense...not feeling quite right on the inside. i hate that, like tears are falling backwards. everything's just so up in the air right now and here i go trying to spare feelings and fix feelings and abandon my feelings and i know it won't work and i'm stubborn for even trying...boy, what a rant, but as my mommy would say, "it bees that way sometimes." moms say the funniest, most logical things sometimes, don't they? i know what i gotta do. gotta move again. get so tired of moving, of shuffling around, having no home. well, having no home of my own is more like it. people's hearts are real big, but their space is quite the contrary. i look forward to newness again. i wonder what kind of adult i will make. (and i ask this question as if i am not there, as if i get to pause time and think about that shit). damn i hope this interview goes well. i can figure something else out, but this is what i want. anmd dad seems to think that they must be genuinely interested if it took me most of second semester to apply and they were speedy with responses and now this. i'll have to make more acquaitances and if i'm lucky maybe a few friends. i'm really trying to prepare for such a move because it would be so much bigger than just another state...feel like watery pink and grey goop on the inside - like the stuff they ate in Orwell's 1984, except not nutritious at all...so here's what i gotta do:
1. move some stuff
2. get this career jumpin' off
3. not make myself a casualty
4. seduce my muse
5. not take shit personally
(not in any particular order of importance though)

(some of) the gang's still here

yeah, hella 05' graduates are working at spelman. they can'd get rid of us that easy, i guess. i'm glad to be here because b4 the RA opportunity for this program i was truly a bum, but this is cool. my sister is coming home today!!!! i am so excited even thought i won't see her for about another week. she's home and that's double plus good... it is so cool when u find people or run into them and u think they may have forgotten about u but they haven't good feeling...called my dad for father's day and we actually talked for a minute. he was telling me what to do when i'm being courted by a company that wants me to work for them. he seems to be under the impression that hallmark is seeking me out (how about that?). i don't know if it's true, but it's an interesting thought... i hope that i can positively influence these girls in this program. i want to do some service activities with them and some consciousness raising. give them that side of spelman too, ya' know? i was considering a mini- sisterfire since alysia will be back soon and moyabean is in the place to be, but alas! it is not my place anymore (sob.) but i have the utmost confidence in the new fantastic four. two vets and two cherries. they will do a spelndiferous job; i just hope i can hall ass and make it back to atl for one of the amazing sessions. to think about it makes me smile...damn i'm blessed! the people i know, the things i've experienced, the life i have yet to live. i don't know if i've done anything so good (in this life or the previous) to deserve all of this. boy, God, i really appreciate this...love in all forms...
peace,
tmL

down the middle

i wonder how safe it is to blog in public, not that any of these people are paying me any mind... anyway, won't be going home as soon as i thought, but i guess that's okay. things have been happening in this world o'mine, but i don't know to what end. got a big ol' slice of good news yesterday and a handful of bad news. i don't want to speak on either yet (oh the suspense! what is she talking about?) (i guess this is how daytime television networks do it). stepping into the world only feels slightly different so far. i guess it's because i've been doing some things on my own for a while... damn do i dance around things...so split down the middle is what i am. want people to know you, for real know you and want to keep introverted, to yourself. want to be rambuncious (that spelling is probably so wrong) and want to not regret (but honestly, the rambuncious side kinda has it on this one). want to be committed and want to be free. want to be outright sexy and want to be shy and alluring. want to be an academician and want to be a craftswoman. want to be an artist and want to be a scientist. want to have it all planned out and want to leave chances to the wind. want to be understood and want to be an enigma. want to be totally independent..(okay, bullshit that's impossible). want to be cocky and humble. want to be acknowledged and invisible****want to be settled and want to go. to go and go and go and never stop and not own anymore than i can carry on my back. either side of every example has its benefits, but desiring them both results in some lukewarm state that's worth the retail value of a pissy mattress...and then the scariest part is to open yourself to those who don't really care to know you and close yourself to those who really are curious...projection is a menacing thing once you recognize when you do it...turning over a new leaf is difficult when there's all that cruddy shit underneath it...want people to get it and want to keep it to yourself...one thing, at least, i'm not split about, i would never rather not know. i don't opt for ignorance over knowledge, or at least not so far in my life...can't get upset when people don't get you if you only reveal but so much...finished writing for Hallmark, time to start writing for me now..."that isn't polite, Toto, we haven't been asked yet."

confession

forgive me blogger, for i have sinned. it has been weeks since my last blog. it is so addictive; i think i actually started breaking out in hives the other day. having no home computer sucks, but i haven't lay totally dormant(well, honestly i did for a spell). i finished hallmark set #2, started writing again ( i hope the muse can forgive me, right now i'm entreating her to take me back), moved into an old new place. closer but isolated...missing people, lots of people...i guess my future was so in my face that the past got jealous, so here comes the past back in my face. now they unknowingly compete for my attention...what neither knows is that i am so anamoured with the present that i can only see the other two in my periphery...my sister's coming home! that's so important i need to say it again - my sister's coming home dammit!!!! we are going to kick it so hard. the world, are they ready?...yo! my baby brother is graduating from 8th grade in 15 days! i am soooo proud of that little nigga' (and i don't use that word, but i am so crunk about it that i have to)! shout out to MARK HILL, i love you bro! ... lots of creative projects in the works. shout out to beanju for mad support on the app... the phrase that pays right now, "ebb and flow"...the up and down is what makes it worth riding/ and hiding is only fun when they seek you out/ and doubt is confidence's evil twin/ we trapped that bastard in the attic/ wouldn't you know he was a locksmith?/ so he escapes to do some haunting/ works to make my tasks more daunting/ holding the future in his hands and flaunting it/ taunting me with psychological scare tactics that the end won't justify the means/ but little does he know that i live for the means to justify themselves/ the end is not my concern...

(that last part was more of a blurb than a blog, i think. i can dig it)
peace,
tmL

not gift - power

started the ball rolling today. packed more things away. cleaned and reflected on a few things. journaled a bit. wanted to write a poem, but it turned into a journal entry. i'm okay with that though; so long as i'm writing i'm fine. went to see a dance performance today...amazing. dancers have always amazed me, but to see this young girl full of charisma and talent and a mother that supports her completely... i thought about my sisters and how they both dance and how i want to support them in any way that i can. then i hope that i am such a fabulous mom that my children are humble and obedient, but still know that they are the sh*t. and oh yes, they will be the sh*t. on a damper note, one of my sisterfriends she came and had a bad day. i was glad that she felt she could tralk to me, but i wish there was more i could do. sometimes the best thing to do is to listen. by the end of the night, after the performance she was laughing again. it was good to see, even if just for a time, and it occurred to me that we have the power to heal each other and ourselves. not gift - power, and why not? if we are made in the image of the all-powerful how can we not contain at least a bit of power? illogical, isn't. and the world wants us to disown our power in the name of what? gender? femininity? hell no. i say, be powerful!!!!

i'm not afraid anymore! (today...)

i might really be on to something with this americorp thing, but i haven't explored all the options thoroughly. i will continue to do so as i work towards the hallmark semi-goal. why "semi" you ask? because it is a good place to start, but that is far from the ultimate goal of performance and plays and the cannon. i need some fantasy in my life right now. the triumph of good over evil, magic and wizards and fairies and such. i need lord of the rings. maybe star warz would do the trick, but i've never watched so i don't know. maybe i'll just read sundiata - a fabulous read, by the by... i feel the tide turning. i've had enough down time. i'm so cool with running full speed ahead, even if it means falling. who lives a full life without bumps and bruises? i don't want to be unscarred. i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul. life is not before me, it is beside me. it is surrounding me. i am so ready...laterZ~ tmL

i wonder, will it take me under?

okay, so i'm a little more frightened than i care to admit. life is real. responsibility is serious and fear doesn't help a damn thing. kweli's joint "get by" comes to mind. but i never wanted to just get by. it's not as important to me that the end justify the means as it is that the means justify themselves because life is so short and so uncertain that we are not guaranteed to make it to the end anyway...so hard, so hard pressed...i know it's only as difficult as we make it, but i can be really hard on myself. it's like a jungle sometimes...tmL

great expectations

jay's gone home. i miss him alot. when i woke up and he wasn't there it felt weird. like he was fitting in...it's funny because i was feeling clastrophobic for a minute, but he doesn't restrict me at all. that's so peace... i went to see where i'm gonna be staying after i leave my beloved first apartment ((((sniff, sniff)))). i'm gonna miss that place, but the new one is nice too, for a temporary stay. gotta get some income coming in, jump start the writing energy, and - just -really focus man. it occurred to me that i'm not just finding something to pass the time until the fall semester comes in; i don't have a fall semester coming for at least two years. it's spooky, man. still working on this hallmark thing, but what then? what do i want after that? i had a professor tell me that it's okay to write for hallmark but please don't become a "hallmark writer", please don't stop there because she thinks i'm a great mind. do you know how much it means to hear that from a professor(s) who you think so highly of? it's the biggest rush. i take compliments better than i used to, but it's scary like what if i don't live up to everyone's expectations of me? sounds like a real typical and unnecessary concern probably. it only comes to mind sometimes. usually i feel confident that i'm going to do/be great things. i'm destined to, no doubt about that - i don't know exactly what yet. of course as a writer i have not ruled out that, as in the grand tradition of writers, i may gain the most notariety posthumously. it's cool. i feel like i gotta develop a ritual, not just a formula, for writing so that all of the voices that need a vessel can get to me easily. i can't discuss everything that goes on in my mind, but....it gives me plenty of material - fiction of course - well, mostly. i feel like poetry is cryptic and poets sometimes want to communicate, but without saying what they mean directly. it's the doublethink that drives us to desire to share and keep secrets simultaneously - maybe just me(i've been addicted to doublethink since i read 1984 in the 12th grade). gotta work on this application some more. creativity for profit - capitalism's a bugger, ain't it? laterz~ tmL

you can't deny the charges

so, i am now a spelman alumna. it happened only 5 days ago, but in light of all that must take place sooner than later graduation already feels like it happened so long ago. i'm am/was having anxiety about freedom and restriction and what they mean in a patriarchy. everything feels like restriction and i just what to run (i feel like i've said this already?). jay is so understanding because i've been withdrawn a little, while he's been visiting, and he just lets me be. i love him. i love my friends, and when they got to meet each other it was beautiful. i was anxious about that too. those two worlds meshing, but it was smooth. they understood and appreciated each other. such a blessed night. parties (excuse me, "get togethers") like instant pancake mix - just add water. good food, music, people, energy. tears and smiles, but all so good. just a few missing from the number, and they were missed greatly... so weird; it's so weird. how seeming endings spark brand new beginnings... discipline is so key for success, and being true to self takes discipline. esp when one is accustomed to feigning for the comfort of others, but not in a self-denial way, but in a "what difference does it make anyway?" sort of way... writers must experience => i am a writer => i must experience. simple enough, isn't it? deLaine cried the other day when we picked up our degrees and all day long. crying off and on...very hard because i wanted to hugged her and stuff but when deLaine and i get emotional we just shake it off like a couple of old macho italian men. that's what we've done for the last three years. it always worked b4. but lots of things that worked before don't seem to work now...lots of things...that worked so naturally. just...don't...fit. but society says it has to, right? so it has to, right? so we pretend that we don't see that square jammed in the circle's space but it doesn't fit. it doesn't, but when the toddler makes it fit, the toddler is so proud, and we cannot tell the toddler that it is wrong. we only smile and say, "that's good baby, real good." eventually we cease to see the space around the circle ourselves. the space that bares witness that it does not fit. no more fisher-price for me. laters~tmL

just like a gemini

so, i thought i was done, but lo and behold! there was another assignment. i am thankful for the chance to complete it but my "i'm finished" dance came a little too early. now i have to do the assignment, shop for the black and white party (yes, i'm going), get home and change and find a ride to the senior soiree. so much to do, but i am happy to be celebrating with my classmates (05! holla!). the hot celebration, the for real realness, ain't going down until friday at my house anyway. i can't wait to see all my beautiful people - my life force - the thought of them makes me bubbly. <<<>>> as far as the graduation pre-drama, i'm not gonna let it be anything. everyone will get to atl, they will go to graduation, then they will go home and i will live to tell the story. tasha emailed me; i love that girl. my sister is my heart on some realness. she won't be at my graduation, but half of valencia, spain knws that i'm graduating in 5 days (hold me down, tash!). i know i'll feel her with me at commencement. gotta go finish for the second time. just like a gemini...
peace, tmL