Phew!!

My first semester of graduate school is behind me. I knew this day would come--I visualized it. But I didn't know how good it would feel. The other night, I just sat. That's it. I sat, slouched in a chair, with my head back and my feet up and reveling in the goodness of not owing anybody anything.

I had a few several late nights, but no all-nighters. I guess I'm just not cut out for them anymore, and that's fine by me. I also had the audacity to ask for an extension, and you know what? I got it because I had 'always attended class and been prepared with insightful contributions during discussion'. Yes, I am happy to report that it does matter--that being professional and accountable to my professor and colleagues is acknowledged and appreciated. I'm thrilled by this because one of the major reasons I wanted to physically return to school (versus the online degree option) was for the in-class magic. I love discussions that make me think on my toes; they lead me to conclusions that I might never come to just ruminating alone.

I'm already excited about the spring.
**

And I would be remiss not to shout-out HomeBoy, who supported me through my procrastination and academic insecurities and group project melodramas. He made me coffee for late nights; he let me sleep when I needed to; he was a wonderful host to the family we've had visiting, keeping them entertained and occupied when I had to sequester myself in our office and bang out page after page. He's my grad school secret weapon.

Certifiable

 

Want to watch me weave a web of domestic delusion? First, give me a long-term assignment; then, sit back and let the crazy unfold. For some reason, deadlines bring out the domestic in me. If there's an assignment looming, I'll clean the bathroom. If there's a project nearly due, I'll cook dinner. Case and point, yesterday was the eve of my poetry portfolio & lit journal submission deadline. I come from work, and what do I do? I bake a lasagna. Know when's the last time I made lasagna? Never. And the night before a major assignment is the perfect time to try a new recipe, right? I am some kind of lunatic.

To my credit, I did have the drafts. I just needed to finalize them, choose the journals I wanted to submit to and write the cover letters. I just couldn't sit myself down. I watched TV and cooked and talked on the phone and ate a late dinner and then got to work on the portfolio. *And woke up he next day with rings around my eyes that made me look part raccoon. Now I've heard that procrastination can be symptomatic of a fear of failure or a fear of success, and HomeBoy and I have talked on occasion about how waiting might be a subconscious ego thing. That way, if you don't get the stellar results desired, you can hide behind the idea that you didn't really give it your all.

But knowing all this wasn't enough to get me to shape up. The other thing is, I won't turn in poor work. It will be later than late before I turn in trash for the sake of being "on time." But the inaccurate ultimatum I just established isn't even legit; it's not a choice between quality and punctuality--I create that dichotomy when I lollygag and dillydally and avoid, avoid, avoid. Honestly, I freeze up. Before I sit down to write anything that will be judged, I think it will suck. I think that I am not the writer that I've fooled myself into believing that I am; I think, "This will be the tell, some one will read it and figure out I have no idea what I'm saying...Hey, let's rearrange the living room!" It happens almost every time, seriously. In the metaphor of writers' blocks--I'm Sisyphus out this b*tch!

I don't want to fail, and for every success the stakes get higher--each success has to be bigger and better than the last one. This sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn't it? But how can anyone compete with her/his own potential? It's maddening. Well, I got one of my giant projects done, and I've got one to go. So if the next time I post, I'm talking about macrame or microbrewery--you'll know why.

So help me...

I'm not dead...

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna burn it at both ends.

The final weeks of the semester are winding down. I still have much to do, but I believe I will do it all--and well too! I'm no better at deadlines or pacing than I was in undergrad, but dammit I'm a professional. I'll get it done because I have a responsibility (and because a bad grade means I can kiss tuition reimbursement goodbye)...

*chirp, chirp*

Well, that's all I got.

Comparing NOTES: 1 undergrad, 1 postgrad-both freshmen

This series is about the first year of school for an undergraduate student and a graduate student, respectively. Each week, the students will submit journal entries relating their experiences--highs, lows, frustrations, breakthroughs, epiphanies and all-nighters (let's pray there aren't too many of those).

1.5

Undergrad  09/12/10

Okay... so today is Sunday and I'm actually preparing myself for class tomorrow. I'm making sure my calculus homework is completed CORRECTLY. I'm officially caught up in my Intro to English Composition class, and History... *smh* that class should just be canceled due to its lack of organization. I STILL don't have a book for that class because the professor doesn't want to order them. He feels his lectures are good enough. I need to know FACTS, not just his theory of what happened. I don't know about anyone else, but when it comes to learning, it's exceedingly hard for me to retain info without a primary source. My professor talks way too fast and he stutters too much for me take informative notes (I still try though).

And now that I'm trying to control my academic life, my social one is falling apart. On Friday night my roommate, a couple of friends, and I attended 'Fashion Night Out' in NYC. I thought we all had a really good time. However, the next day my room mate text one of the girls that went with us to see what they had planned for the day, and she said nothing. But the other friend told me they were going to the beach. My roommate and I were a little offended because we DID invite them when we didn't have to. So now I've made a vow to myself, if I do all my work during the week, I will NEVER spend another weekend bored out of my brains EVER AGAIN. 

My 'campus boo' did make our relationship official on Sept. 1st, but I think it was a mistake. I didn't know you weren't suppose to hook up with the 1st cute guy that was your type on campus. Alegedly it's some kind of rule. Everyone keeps asking me why we date and we've only been living here for about a month. I mean, from what I can tell he doesn't have a problem with being in a relationship, but supposedly it's an unspoken rule that you don't seriously date anyone at least until the second semester. Well, who knew?! You learn something new in college everyday -___-

Comparing NOTES: 1 undergrad, 1 postgrad-both freshmen

This series is about the first year of school for an undergraduate student and a graduate student, respectively. Each week, the students will submit journal entries relating their experiences--highs, lows, frustrations, breakthroughs, epiphanies and all-nighters (let's pray there aren't too many of those).

**
1.4

Undergrad 09/05/10

Okay, so I haven't submitted my blog in about two weeks because every time I started my segment, I had to stop and do something else. Right about now I'd have to say that time management is my biggest hardship to overcome. I'm catching up on work from a week ago; I have to complete a student loan form that I honestly THOUGHT i finished prior to moving in; and every time I think I'm done, there's another task awaiting me. I guess this is the hard part of college. Although I thought I'd like the independence, I'm starting to wish it didn't all fall on me like a ton of bricks.

If I could grade myself on things other than school, my grades would go as follows:

A--Cleanliness

B--Socializing

D--Roommate (a different story for a different blog, smh)

A--Relationship

However, these ARE NOT important in college. The actual academic work is what we pay for, but young adults (like myself) get easily distracted by the social side of this experience. My goal in freshman orientation was that by the time I graduate from College socializing wouldn't be so hard for me.After these two weeks I've realized that socializing isn't THAT hard when you have total control of yourself. For example, I can talk on the phone all night if I want, without someone yelling at me, "IT'S THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! GET OFF THE PHONE!", or I can wear whatever I want, whenever I want, to attract a certain type of person without a second thought. When you have the freedom to do whatever and be whoever you want, your self-esteem skyrockets and socializing just becomes easier by default...I just wish being responsible came as easily.

Now that I know my weaknesses, I can strengthen them. Hopefully by next week I'll have some good news to share. '_'

**

Grad 09/07/10

I have been robbing Peter to pay Paul where time is concerned, and it's really a shame. It's not even that there isn't enough time--I'm just procrastinating. UGH! It's embarrassing to even admit that, but it's the truth. One of the things I hoped to do by taking time off between undergrad and graduate school was to vanquish this demon habit. Apparently, old habits don't die hard--they don't die at all. They are undead, zombie habits. But I'm not going to let this screw me up; I'm determined to grab procrastination by its bloodless throat and throw it in a back vault. Then i will fill said bank vault with cement...all that to say, enough is enough already with the procrastination.

In my personal statement for the grad school app, I said that I would bring collaboration and professionalism to my classes and colleagues--skills that I have honed for that last 5 years in the workforce. Well, professionalism certainly has no room for the other "p" word. I'm not going to let myself or my classmates down. There. It is written, so it shall be done. It may be done with a self-imposed facebook block and a 2-hour per week TV time limit and my cell phone on silent until 10 pm every night, but it will be done.

Comparing NOTES: 1 undergrad, 1 postgrad-both freshmen

This series is about the first year of school for an undergraduate student and a graduate student, respectively. Each week, the students will submit journal entries relating their experiences--highs, lows, frustrations, breakthroughs, epiphanies and all-nighters (let's pray there aren't too many of those).

**

1.3

Grad (08/29/10)

Hypothesis: I cannot do my homework at home--least of all on my couch.

Trial 1:

Read...nod...zzz...hours pass...wake with a start...oh hell!

Trial 2:

Begin reading again...reread last passage...nod...zzz...an hour passes...wake in a huff...FTW!!

Trial 3:

READ...nod...zzz...wake with a familiar foreboding...not AGAIN!!!

Conclusion: No, I cannot do my homework on my couch, but that does not mean I will be unsuccessful in every place in my house.

Further Study:

--Try using the office (duh!)

--Do my reading standing up

Comparing NOTES: 1 undergrad, 1 postgrad-both freshmen

This series is about the first year of school for an undergraduate student and a graduate student, respectively. Each week, the students will submit journal entries relating their experiences--highs, lows, frustrations, breakthroughs, epiphanies and all-nighters (let's pray there aren't too many of those).

**

1.2

Undergrad (08/22/10)

I just moved in a few days ago. The 1st few days were hell, I mean I couldn't stand the people, the atmosphere, or ANYthing. I couldn't seem to get into the swing of things. I hated everyone because it felt like everyone was clique-ing up with each other. I was a little scared that college was going to be just like high school...

But after the orientation was over, I began to fall in love. It's the little things like waking up in your OWN area. Taking as many showers as u want, whenever you want. Washing your OWN clothes with your choice of detergent. The little things have made me grateful to be here. The utter freedom of having company, leaving, and coming home when I want?! It's just beautiful! Lol, coming from a household with barely nothing to a dorm room with a free laundry room means a lot to a girl like.

Not to mention I've made some "friends". At 1st it felt like every1 was avoiding me, but now I'm fine. I had a Snookie moment. (I'm the prettier version of Snookie in the dorm because my 1st impression was pretty bad. But now every1s cool wit me.) I love it. I mean, I thank God for allowing me to be here. Hopefully being here will lead to me establishing great friendships.

I officially start classes on Wednesday, and I'm slightly excited. I can't lie, I like being here without going to class... But u HAVE to go, lol, class is the main objective of college. I like the studying part; I just don't like the seeing new people part. I get all types of nervous, my stomach starts to turn and I can't concentrate. I don't want to give off a bad 1st impression to my professor, but I have no choice but to sit ALLLL the way in the back. Just in case I freak out, at least I'll be in the back. But I'll be okay. I've learned that everything seems hard at 1st, but after you're over the newness of it all you'll be ok. I know I'll be ok. Thank God.

**

Grad (08/22/10)

It's 12:10am. I have class in 15 hours and 20 minutes. I have just--JUST printing the reading material. Oh yes, class is in session.

Comparing NOTES: 1 undergrad, 1 postgrad--both freshmen

This series is about the first year of school for an undergraduate student and a graduate student, respectively. Each week, the students will submit journal entries relating their experiences--highs, lows, frustrations, breakthroughs, epiphanies and all-nighters (let's pray there aren't too many of those).

**

disclaimer #1--I realize that today is not, in fact, the 15th

1.1

Undergrad (8/15/10)

When I think about college, I can't even lie, I wish there was a way around it. I think of it as a long journey that I HAVE to complete for a better life. And with that in mind, I'm literally forcing myself to go through with this. I know I'll be fine academically because I have no problem with studying for hours, writing pages of work, or reading long stories.The work load that I was fortunate enough to preview during the EOF Summer Course wasn't too much for me to handle... so I'm not worried about that. I'm just not excited. I use to be before, but after the EOF Summer Course I've come to the realization that ignorant people are everywhere. EVEN in college. Although the ignorance has dwindled down since high school, it hasn't been completely depleted. 

On the other hand, I do look forward to the independence that's incorporated in college. No one's going to remind you to do what you have to do. No one's going to sugar coat anything for you. No one's going to hear you're bullshit excuse for not pulling your own weight. And that's just so exciting to me. Ever since grade school, I've watched slackers get away with not doing their work and lying about why they didn't do it. Now, if a student doesn't do his/her work, they're looked at as an idiot, lol. Like FINALLY, people in college realize that not taking advantage of education is one of the dumbest things you could possibly do!

And I can't sit here and lie like I'm not interested in the perks of being a college student. Beside the fact that I just HAVE to go to college, I'm definitely looking forward to having my own dorm room and the cute boys I get to invite there (teehee!] lol. I mean, just to have my own space to do whatever I want is amazing. However, when people ask me if I'm excited about finally going off to college, my overall response is no, I'm really not. It's not interesting. All I can see is the bad so far (loads of work, new people, etc]. But everyone else keeps telling me there's more to it than that... so hopefully I'll find it. =(

Grad (8/15/10)

Some of the differences between being a first-year undergrad and a first-year grad:
1) I’m not living in a dorm, and I’m sharing a bathroom with only one person—and it’s a dude (hi honey!)
2) This is the cherry on top. Don’t get me wrong, this program is very important to me, but in terms of society’s general perceptions and expectations—I did my time(undergrad).
3) Having a part-time school schedule and a full-time work schedule; it was the reverse in undergrad.
4) I am NOT taking out any loans. (‘Hank ya!)
5) School isn’t the most important thing in my life; it’s way up there on the list but not numero uno
6) I will be a part of a brand new program, versus that of a very old, sacred tradition.
7) The majority of my academic community will not share my ethnicity, gender, socio-political trappings and historic/cultural collective memory.
8) Co-Ed
9) All-nighters. I will not do them.
10) NO RAMEN! (*maybe. see #5 below)

Some similarities:
1) My desire to (over) achieve has not wavered, in all likelihood.
2) Still have to make a good impression and prove myself to professors and colleagues.
3) Farewell long, leisurely weekends; see you in a few years!
4) Bye-bye extra TV watching (except for Mad Men and maybe ANTM—a girls got her vices).
5) No meal plan. This time, the plan is to have someone else prepare the meals (I’m looking at you, HomeBoy).
6) I have my own computer, so no waiting lists in a lab for me, and a good thing, too, with the facebook and all.
7) I will learn new, amazing things and will be very excited about them.
8) I will have to do group projects and will be much less excited about them.
9) I will probably attend campus events that include free grub.
10) I will make THE MOST of this opportunity

BIGGEST SAME: I will be a student again, and I have always loved school.

BIGGEST DIFFERENCE: At the end, insha-Allah, I will have a publishable manuscript of poetry—CHILLS!!!