Well, that was fun

WHEREAS

Even I am growing tired of the random content and haphazard posting on this here blog, and want to be deliberate about something…

WHEREAS

In trying to publish more in journals, I can no longer post drafts because even though there’s no huge readership, to some publications this space still counts as publishing and many lit mags request “no previously published work”…

WHEREAS

I cannot bring myself to divulge private things on a regular basis, which seems to be the key to being a widely and oft-read personal blog, for I am barely able to divulge in real life and I tend to internally berate myself for being self-centered and overindulgent (well, I guess that’s pretty personal)...

WHEREAS

Five years is a long time, and my blog has lasted longer than some marriages…

WHEREAS

It has always bothered me, in a telltale “your fly is down” sort of way, that I misspelled my URL…

IT IS DECREED

Words, Words, Words (previously known as Rough Draft) is taking its curtain call. *It was hard for me to know when to call it quits; I don’t like the idea of leaving my web-trash all over the place. Maybe I’ll work it into the archives of my next project.

***

There will likely be another...something--a more intentional, properly planned something--in the future. 

But for the moment, I'd rather read/listen to you. 

Happy new year, and keep me posted!

Certifiable

 

Want to watch me weave a web of domestic delusion? First, give me a long-term assignment; then, sit back and let the crazy unfold. For some reason, deadlines bring out the domestic in me. If there's an assignment looming, I'll clean the bathroom. If there's a project nearly due, I'll cook dinner. Case and point, yesterday was the eve of my poetry portfolio & lit journal submission deadline. I come from work, and what do I do? I bake a lasagna. Know when's the last time I made lasagna? Never. And the night before a major assignment is the perfect time to try a new recipe, right? I am some kind of lunatic.

To my credit, I did have the drafts. I just needed to finalize them, choose the journals I wanted to submit to and write the cover letters. I just couldn't sit myself down. I watched TV and cooked and talked on the phone and ate a late dinner and then got to work on the portfolio. *And woke up he next day with rings around my eyes that made me look part raccoon. Now I've heard that procrastination can be symptomatic of a fear of failure or a fear of success, and HomeBoy and I have talked on occasion about how waiting might be a subconscious ego thing. That way, if you don't get the stellar results desired, you can hide behind the idea that you didn't really give it your all.

But knowing all this wasn't enough to get me to shape up. The other thing is, I won't turn in poor work. It will be later than late before I turn in trash for the sake of being "on time." But the inaccurate ultimatum I just established isn't even legit; it's not a choice between quality and punctuality--I create that dichotomy when I lollygag and dillydally and avoid, avoid, avoid. Honestly, I freeze up. Before I sit down to write anything that will be judged, I think it will suck. I think that I am not the writer that I've fooled myself into believing that I am; I think, "This will be the tell, some one will read it and figure out I have no idea what I'm saying...Hey, let's rearrange the living room!" It happens almost every time, seriously. In the metaphor of writers' blocks--I'm Sisyphus out this b*tch!

I don't want to fail, and for every success the stakes get higher--each success has to be bigger and better than the last one. This sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn't it? But how can anyone compete with her/his own potential? It's maddening. Well, I got one of my giant projects done, and I've got one to go. So if the next time I post, I'm talking about macrame or microbrewery--you'll know why.

So help me...

Comparing NOTES: 1 undergrad, 1 postgrad--both freshmen

This series is about the first year of school for an undergraduate student and a graduate student, respectively. Each week, the students will submit journal entries relating their experiences--highs, lows, frustrations, breakthroughs, epiphanies and all-nighters (let's pray there aren't too many of those).

**

disclaimer #1--I realize that today is not, in fact, the 15th

1.1

Undergrad (8/15/10)

When I think about college, I can't even lie, I wish there was a way around it. I think of it as a long journey that I HAVE to complete for a better life. And with that in mind, I'm literally forcing myself to go through with this. I know I'll be fine academically because I have no problem with studying for hours, writing pages of work, or reading long stories.The work load that I was fortunate enough to preview during the EOF Summer Course wasn't too much for me to handle... so I'm not worried about that. I'm just not excited. I use to be before, but after the EOF Summer Course I've come to the realization that ignorant people are everywhere. EVEN in college. Although the ignorance has dwindled down since high school, it hasn't been completely depleted. 

On the other hand, I do look forward to the independence that's incorporated in college. No one's going to remind you to do what you have to do. No one's going to sugar coat anything for you. No one's going to hear you're bullshit excuse for not pulling your own weight. And that's just so exciting to me. Ever since grade school, I've watched slackers get away with not doing their work and lying about why they didn't do it. Now, if a student doesn't do his/her work, they're looked at as an idiot, lol. Like FINALLY, people in college realize that not taking advantage of education is one of the dumbest things you could possibly do!

And I can't sit here and lie like I'm not interested in the perks of being a college student. Beside the fact that I just HAVE to go to college, I'm definitely looking forward to having my own dorm room and the cute boys I get to invite there (teehee!] lol. I mean, just to have my own space to do whatever I want is amazing. However, when people ask me if I'm excited about finally going off to college, my overall response is no, I'm really not. It's not interesting. All I can see is the bad so far (loads of work, new people, etc]. But everyone else keeps telling me there's more to it than that... so hopefully I'll find it. =(

Grad (8/15/10)

Some of the differences between being a first-year undergrad and a first-year grad:
1) I’m not living in a dorm, and I’m sharing a bathroom with only one person—and it’s a dude (hi honey!)
2) This is the cherry on top. Don’t get me wrong, this program is very important to me, but in terms of society’s general perceptions and expectations—I did my time(undergrad).
3) Having a part-time school schedule and a full-time work schedule; it was the reverse in undergrad.
4) I am NOT taking out any loans. (‘Hank ya!)
5) School isn’t the most important thing in my life; it’s way up there on the list but not numero uno
6) I will be a part of a brand new program, versus that of a very old, sacred tradition.
7) The majority of my academic community will not share my ethnicity, gender, socio-political trappings and historic/cultural collective memory.
8) Co-Ed
9) All-nighters. I will not do them.
10) NO RAMEN! (*maybe. see #5 below)

Some similarities:
1) My desire to (over) achieve has not wavered, in all likelihood.
2) Still have to make a good impression and prove myself to professors and colleagues.
3) Farewell long, leisurely weekends; see you in a few years!
4) Bye-bye extra TV watching (except for Mad Men and maybe ANTM—a girls got her vices).
5) No meal plan. This time, the plan is to have someone else prepare the meals (I’m looking at you, HomeBoy).
6) I have my own computer, so no waiting lists in a lab for me, and a good thing, too, with the facebook and all.
7) I will learn new, amazing things and will be very excited about them.
8) I will have to do group projects and will be much less excited about them.
9) I will probably attend campus events that include free grub.
10) I will make THE MOST of this opportunity

BIGGEST SAME: I will be a student again, and I have always loved school.

BIGGEST DIFFERENCE: At the end, insha-Allah, I will have a publishable manuscript of poetry—CHILLS!!!

Preemptive Fun

Fall semester will be here in no time at all.  I remember what it was like to be a student: weekends not my own, always more work to do, my terrible proclivity to procrastinate...I

am determined to excel in this MFA program, or at least to give it all I’ve got.  I’m ready to do that – happy to, in fact, but freely relinquishing my “free time” has me in a tizzy to pack as many good times into this summer as possible.  I know, making it a goal sort of sucks out the leisure and relaxation of the endeavor, but a friend told me, “you know stress will come sooner or later, so it’s important to be deliberate about your free, happy times, so you can look back [retreat] on them during the crazy times.”  Already, a few weeks ago, we up and went to St. Louis. Chicago is next on the docket and probably Omaha after that.  In between, there are home updates and repairs, scholarship searches and of course my actual job.  Can one be overwhelmed by the good and positive things on the horizon? That’s called eustress, right?

so this is sunlight?

it's early in the morning. the day after i have completed my academic tasks and instead of feeling really good, i just feel hung over. does that make sense? i've thought more about this blogging thing, and i guess it's a good idea if i'm going to live far away from friends and family. they can read it to keep up with me because anybody who knows me knows that i'm pretty bad at keeping in touch. don't mean to be, just am. i got a return email from hallmark staffing saying that they received my application and i will hear back in 3-4 weeks. i was so nervous when i sent it. i have to find another hustle for the summer because right now i'm staring down the barrel of unemployment and homelessness. wonder if i can stay for another month in that apartment? wonder if i can find a job in GA? wonder if i could be on the brink of the greatest grown-ass summer of my life? i'm getting excited just thinking about it. it would be a period of well deserved freedom and boundless creativity. i bet i could finish my play. i bet i could learn a whole bunch of cool hole-in-the-wall spots in atlanta. i bet i could actively cherish friendships and actively deepen the ones that i have not had the time to cultivate. i bet i could befriend some strangers. life is so filled with possibility. i must not forget that. even if employment doesn't come so quick or i can't get another month in that apartment or whatever less than desirable thing may befall me. it's all gravy because i can always control the way i handle a situation even if i can't handle the situation itself, savvy? i haven't been awake early like this in a long time. i miss the sun. this solar powered woman's been running on fumes, but not today. i am awake and my sun is here and she will take care of me, so i can take care of somebody else. i saw "pay it forward" for the first time on sunday. it was so good. it brought out the utopian in me and i haven't seen her for a while. i even got teary at the end, but that's cause other stuff was plaguing me too. i cry at movies sometimes so people won't link it to something else. after battling the slings and arrows of procrastination on yesterday and coming out unscathed, here i go again...i'm claiming a new space today, a space of: energy, confidence, professionalism, vision, freedom, love, God, nature, patience, focus, sexiness (hell yes, and it's about time if i may say so). for some of these things it's just a matter of kicking it up a notch, for others - it's experimentation. either way, i plan to enjoy the ride.
peace, tmL