for a visit... (or) through the looking glass...

i am excited - maybe anxious is a better word. tomorrow morning i'll be on my way to jersey to see fam and friends. i don't know what i expect to be different. i don't know what i suspect has changed, but i get the feeling it's something...something. well, jersey city is always different and changing. new restaurants and bars and hotels and condo communities and yuppies as far as the eye can see. downtown anyway, i don't think they have the gall to invade on the hill yet. but it's not just that; i am returning as a self-sufficent, adult woman visiting the homes of her parents and other loved ones (woah. that's heavy). how has so much changed so quickly? so many things have occured that i could not have predicted and would not have believed, had i been informed of them this time one year ago. i'm thinking about my future now (beyond what i'll have for dinner) and career plans (what the hell?) and owning property (huh?) and retirment plans out of the country (oh, boy!). i'm still dreaming; i'm just adjusting the dials so the picture comes in clearer. i wonder if anyone's expecting anything of me?...damn girl, chill out - it's only been, what 4 or 5 months? silly me.

in other news
though this is only the first project, i am working as a (ready for this?) freelance writer... i mean, i think? i've been approached to work on an animated series project. i'm so psyched! the animator is so cool and she found out about me through a co-worker. she explained what she wanted, and then she told me to give her a price! so of course i have no idea and told her we could discuss that after she saw the product. but if it gets picked up and she keeps me on as a writer, how fresh would that be? and she's like, "even if we don't use it, you can keep it for your portfolio." oh! a portfolio! guess i should really get my act together and create one of those?! way to be prepared and professional teresa - DOH! (in my best homer simpson impression, which i must admit isn't that good).
I'm going in the studio while i'm home too. some of my homies want to record a demo/mixtape-type-joint. it will be an experience; i've never recorded before (not in a studio anyway). plus, i'm type rusty. i'll get the tracks and less than two days later we're recording. now they've had the music for a minute, so that's an advantage. i just hope i churn out something i approve of - i have high expectations for myself, regardless of the fact that emceeing is not my occupation. can't be wack. just can't be wack. i'd be doing lyte, la, s-n-p, grae, et. al. a grave injustice if i come wack. not to mention, i refuse to accept accolades for a sub par performance because i'm a 'girl'. so i have things to do, but i'm definitely going to rest while i'm home too...

man, so this is life, huh? or something like it? it's a strange sensation when we both live life and are aware of the living we are doing. a simultaneous plot sequence and commentary. add to that a multiple time perspectives (ie would i have done this so long ago? how will i handle it now? what will i think of my decision looking back?). no wonder it takes me upwards of five minutes just to stop thinking. mental momentum is quite a force. it's knocked me off a few curbs in my time, and it will probably only get stronger.

"sticky"...(or) i think it has song potential...(or) maybe i'm just tired of the cold...

again, this is only a draft. i've experimented with punctuation and stanza breaks (neither of which do i really need to bother with in performance). line breaks were pretty much a no-brainer since i followed a rhyme scheme (though tattered and torn it may be). this piece followed my purchase of "extraordinary machine", and i hope the influence, if detected at all, is more like inspiration and less like mimicry. an interesting tidbit - i think this piece came from the affinity i had/have for the phrase "honeyed words." who knew it would take me where it has? i must admit, though, i miss being taken advantage of by the muses ;+). enjoy...tmL

Life was bitter 'til he came with honeyed words
Buzzed persistently, though I spat vinegar.
He kept buzzing his honeyed words inside my ear,
droning on and on unitl love blossomed here.
Heart hid within the tree of me, I let him in;
We nested there and soon life became sweet again.

But time built up like wax, and it was closing in
So inadvertently I started swatting him.
Vinegar could never keep a honey bee
He felt choked, provoked--
to retaliate
started stinging me.
I swat, he stung so long - thought pain was commonplace
We selfishly were saving heart and saving face.
Compelled by history, we longed to sow it still
Love had once been sweet and once again it will.

So we fought against the winter, though it began to snow
A chill had settled in our nest and wouldn't go.
Our hearts may still be warm, but our lips were numb,
and only a matter of time until the bears would come.
Prayed, nightly, that we'd have the strength to fend them off
and to save our happiness, but at what cost?
Will it cost the honey we have stored with care?--
Precious care?
To save our life, should we forfeit it to the bears?

Without our reserves, what will happen then?
Will we have the enrgy to begin again?
My love, our flowered past is such a pretty thing,
but will it be enough to last until the spring?

so perhaps it's not 'vintage T.L.' (as i've been told i have. imagine that? have i really been writing long enough to have throwbacks? that's kinda fresh.) more concretes used abstractly. i have no ambitions for its desired effect; here's just hoping i revise this one into a "final piece."

c'est...l'amour....

i watch it now, and it's a little cheesy. "say baby, can i be your slave?" black poetry-laden intellectuals definitely exist, but they don't wear black, white and denim everyday. they are not all authors or photographers; don't all drive motorcycles; don't all live in chicago...etc. but love jones was worth its weight in film if for no other reason than the quotables (and this too, may be an opinion that i only share with myself). i saw that movie when it came out in the theaters. i was in seventh grade (damn). so young, in fact, that i didn't even understand bill bellamy's anatomy joke about God being a woman (that young). yet, here i am so many years later - still able to reference this movie and apply dialogue (whether seriously or not is a different question) to real life.

DARIUS: "...so when people say the romance is dead, what they're really saying is they've exhausted the possibility."

SAVON: "everybody runnin' around here. running, hopping, skipping, jumping, falling in love and shit. falling in love ain't shit! somebody please, talk to me about how to stay there!"

EDDIE: "physics this shit ain't...all of it love, romance, passion. it is what it is...love is what you make and with whom you make it."

what can i say? there may be no wrong answers.

happy birthday M&M!

on this day in 1991, my mother brought forth another addition to our clan, Mark Allen, and on this day in 1992 - she did it again with MeLissa JoAnn. today they turn 13 and 14 years old. i fed, burped, changed, bathed, etc these cute little babies. and as they grew i advised, chastised, encouraged, helped, mocked, etc the very same crumb-snatchers. today, they are both taller than me and continue growing into their own distinct persons. when i call, we talk about grades and football and high school and college and girl/boyfriends (Lord keep me!). they are not who terrence, tasha and i were at that age; they are totally different people and i already acknowledge that they have at least one foot in a generation that i preceeded. soon i'll be asking them the latest dances and trends (even if it's just to poke fun;+). i hope to be someone they come to for/about anything. not that they haven't been imaginative thus far, but their lives are about to get really interesting. i wish to share a couple of quirky/ embarassing stories in their honor:

when mark was younger, he (like the rest of us) fell under the spell of my mother's classic soul/ motown addiction. he watched the temptations movie almost everyday for a period of time and knew ALL of the choreography. he would ask us to watch him and meLissa perform in the middle of the livingroom or kitchen floor (depending on which was cleaner or had more space at the time). i sometimes think his taste in "church clothes" is still influenced by the costumes of those crooners of yore. love you mark!

this is not all on meLissa. so many things come in three's. the blind mice, the little pigs, the chimpmunks, destiny's child (the last two versions)the powerpuff girls. meLissa, tasha and i immediately laid claim to this tiny girl-power trio as our animated selves. i was blossom (commander and the leader). meLissa was bubbles (the joy and the laughter). tasha was buttercup (the toughest fighter). since the personalities were already eerily fitting, we proceeded to appropriate the colors; meLissa decided to take it a step further with the names. she already wore blue everyday (school uniform) and besides singing the theme song all the time, she actually went for awhile only responding to "bubbles" and calling tasha and myself only by the names of "buttercup" and "blossom." she's into different things now (namely pharrel and cheering), but we're still the three.

as soon as time and money permits, i'll be bringing them both to the AUC. no pressure, but i'm saying ;+)....