Saturday, July 30, 2005

because i should have something to say by now

this is an interesting hodge podge of realms.... i'm blogging on the computer at my father's house in a jersey suburb. more affectionately referred to by yours truly as "the highest room in the tallest tower." supposed to have the jersey version of my send off tomorrow out here, but it's too far for some people to get to, and i didn't do my best at pre planning, so many have not been able to make the preparations necessary to travel. it will be fine; i will see those i am meant to see when i am meant to see them. it will be fine. still haven't done any creative writing really, just journaling (which counts on some days but not others). have to work out my computer situation because i realize that my having one is not merely a luxury. i will not use my work place pc for personal use (at least not so early in the game, are you kidding me?), so i need my own not only to maintain communication with all you beautiful people but to find the directions to my nearest grocery, library, museum, etc. i don't mind getting lost, but my tolerance may shrink when i only have my weekends free to go there and back again. i will be in kansas city alone, and for how long i cannot yet say. it sucks, but (and this might not sound the way i mean it) it is a little easier to bare when i know that it's tough on the other end too. not just some "see you when i see you" type stuff. i considered deployment necessary. schooling - necessary. i guess i should try to see this in the same light because relocation isn't simple. in fact, it may only be simple for a recent college graduate (are you going to scraborough fare?) who has only the shit she can fit in her dorm room and a bed (thanks byrd).... i'm leaving my baby brother and sister, who aren't babies at all but still very impressionable. in stages in their lives where molding is crucial. i feel in a way that i am abandoning them. one going into high school in the fall and the other next fall. i need to be here to put a tough-loving foot in their asses so that they get and keep their games up. say it with me, "college scholarship!" but my leo half is back from spain, so i feel a little better about leaving. she don't play.... accepting privilege is hard, man. looking at the two youngest ones i realize that tasha and i got a leg up (4 real) spending the time that we did with my dad. it wasn't perfectly peachy, but we saw people in a different environment. we saw people who had things and had been places and saw that shit as completely normal. we saw something besides jersey city, and i love jersey city but you know what? it will be there. probably no different than it was when i left it. i want them to go places and see things and dream big and have limitless perceptions and realize that perception is reality. i want all of this for them. i want this for all of my family, but it would probably be easiest for the youngest ones....transformation in the very space that helped to mold you is some tricky shit. i hope we can do it. i hope we can pull it other news: love is wonderful, friends are stellar, life is adventure, and we are/not ordinary people. let's close this out livejournal style
mood: anxious
music: the tv advertising some new drug, another one not approved by the fda

Sunday, July 24, 2005

i'm leaving on a jet plane....wait no i'm not (or) making waves and going with the flow

something about flying to or around kansas city just doesn't work out. every flight that i've taken has been delayed to the umpteenth degree (so that's what it looks like spelled out). and though i only flew standby this time, in both directions, i still don't appreciate spending a combind extra 8 hours in these two airports. adding insult to injury, i became "the chosen one" for random searches going to kc and coming back. there was such a difference in the way that the woman handled my belongings in atl versus the man at kansas city iternational. he just rummaged through my shit and gave my bag back to me all open and whatnot. (if you are thinking that you know the races of the two individuals in this scenario, leave your answers in a comment. the winner gets a prize!). but on the up side, got my 1st apartment ya'll. it has the potential to be quite fly indeed. i'm in the "city" part and i look forward to exploring what is there.... unfortunately, i missed some really cool stuff when i had to go handle this shelter business, a film screening and a bridal shower. yes, in the same day. but i hear that they were both excellent shouts out to the protagonists in either of those plotlines. getting ready to go to home #1. i haven't spent any real time in jersey city since....damn it's been a minute. it will be wonderful to see people and places and have familiar smells (arroz con pollo) and eat the best fallafel in the world. planning another send of 4 up there, so the loved ones who aren't in atlanta can still say so long (and really i just want to throw another par....get together ;). alot of my blood fam is up there - some real crazies, but i love them nonetheless. i had to say goodbye to nyiamah yesterday; so hard. she started crying when we parted and i just wanted to take her with me. i love my sisters so much and i will miss them terribly. i talked to d today, and she asked me how i was feeling about mt transition. i said aside from missing everyone that i don't feel so displaced. told her i was going with the flow, but i was also making thw waves....yeah that's pretty accurate....

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

jumping the gun's not a problem, now removing the safety...

the curious thing about trying to move from passive agression to assertion (or assertiveness, if you will) is that it takes a while to get comfortable in - a minute before you really get the hang of it. and, of course, there's always those damn relapses of punktivity. so you walk around like a young mutant, an adolescent x-man who can't control when she shoots things off - when she destroys things. wrong times, wrong situations, wrong people, just wrong wrong wrong. the only thing right is the intention - to come clean, clear the air, make it better. but if intention alone was enough, well let me tell you my friend, we'd all be geniunely happy and fit and strong and charismatic and alot of other things.... just want to do what's right and simultaneously what is best for me (shouldn't those two be one and the same?). want to give and keep happiness. usually don't have trouble finding it, but it's a slippery little sucker. some mornings, nothing that happened the days before matters. starting new seems the natrual thing to do, but the evening brings yesterdays with him and voi-la! i'm back where i started, except with a few more complications than i remember, plus a contusion or two. may be beating my head against a brick wall; knowing what i don't want, but not what i do. i think that i've put a large helping of patience into the universe. here's hoping i make good on my return.


Tuesday, July 19, 2005

a hard day's night

i pulled my first all-nighter since i graduated in may (with the exception of the hallmark app, but the end justified the means) and let me say for the record - i do not miss them. being on the other side of procrastination makes me all the more adamant about reducing the tendency in myself. some of my girls (possessive much?) had papers due today and some tomorrow. i read about ten 7-10 page papers, 3 or so five paragraph essays, two powerpoint presentations ( and a partridge in a pear tree!) and did not rest until 4:30am. i spoke to jay briefly in between and he says, "have fun! you should be happy, your editing!" yeah, that and a dollar seventy-five will get me on the marta - one way. honestly, i was glad i could help them though. i tried to explain some of the corrections i made to them, like the grammatical/mechanical rules that apply. but for the most part, they just wanted me to fix it, and i realized that i am one of the few who really gets excited about the technique of writing (did i just put my geek status on blast?). the experience gave me a new found empathy for my past professors who took many moons to return papers. your eyes start to burn, the words run together, if it's not provocative and enlightening you just wanna fail it and call it a day. but you don't, of course. they weren't bad by any means, but the hours start to take their, i probably sound like a teacher - all talking about "the kids", but that's really what's been goings on.

*in other news*

going to look at apartments soon; hope i find one that:
- i like
- is affordable (not cheap)
- is near my job
- has a cute super (just threw that in there to raise an eyebrow ;)
sayida and i, our lil' shindig is this sunday. some cannot attend and that kinda sucks, but that's what happens with late planning (note to self, fix that). i hope to see as many as i can and take just as many pictures. when i go back to jc, i'm gonna have a little send off there too - for the same reasons: goodbyes, pictures, address exchanging, etc. i hope being surrounded by so many beautiful people doesn't make the sudden shift to "teresa the dolo editor" a more difficult one. tasha will join me for the first few days, at least (shout-out, thanks gnomey). then, it's on to the kansas city life, which may have neither hustle nor bustle but perhaps a traffic light, some tumble weed, a grocery who still wears suspenders and coke-bottle glasses, and a candle making shop for weekend activity. j/k. i don't know what that city holds for me or what i have for it, but we will find out. we will do a dance together. bow and curtsey, rock and sway. it's not new york or atlanta, but i do look forward to it. someone was just telling me about a pearl cleage play they saw about black women and reclaiming their freedom in the midwest somewhere (kansas, i think). perhaps a greater freedom waits for me there? i won't anticipate finding her. i would rather a pleasant surprise. walk facing the left, so when freedom approaches on my right i can say i didn't seeing it coming. although we always see it coming, don't we? i also think that perhaps distance will bring me closer to some, those for whom proximity is more of an awkward hinderance than a convenience (myself included).... hand in hand/ still walking alone/ he holds the hand of a corpse/ she withdraws into her living mind and is dead outside/ wish he could join her there/ where she is everything she needs and everything he wants/ she asks, "will you come with me down this rabbit hole?"/ it's dark and damp, but there is an entire world waiting on the other side/ abide with me in that space/ free of assumptions and inconvenience/ free of temptation and shadows/ free of despair dancing in the sunshine/ "will you come with me down this rabbit hole?"/ of course it seems like down, but it's up somewhere/ nay, madame, i know not seems/ dreams deferred until they become nightmares/ he loves me, he loves me not/ one too many petals/ doesn't matter since they don't deal in flowers/ "will you come with me down this rabbit hole?"/ where we are equal but have our special parts/ no play is successful if the characters do not play their parts - do not know their lines/ "will you come with me down this rabbit (w)hole?"/ bring all of you, so that you cannot say that i did not touch you there/ so that you cannot say that i do not know you/ "will you come with me down...."/ "i'm late for a very important date!" he says/ and runs in the other direction....

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

on the come up...?

so, anyone who knows me knows that i am not the most tech-savvy chick you'll ever meet. but, lo and behold! i figured out how to add the linkage (holla!) -( wait, nobody says that anymore. wait, that doesn't matter). so there was probably a way to do that in the beginning that i totally overlooked and granted all i had to do was go to blogger help or something, but hey, i'm not about to undercut this accomplishment o'mine. also on the horizon: going to look at apartments in kc next week (kc. sounds like jc, but not quite). hallmark sent the relocation stipend, so i don't have to come outta pocket (and i definitely appreciate that). the program at spelman is winding down. which means so is my time here in atlanta and the east coast in general. less than a month...woah. maybe i'm making too big a deal of it, but i'm excited and nervous and a bunch of other things. and perception is reality, right? i want to have a gathering before i go. say farewell. exchange addresses and phone numbers and such. take pictures of the many beautiful people that i am blessed to know. gonna take pictures of the campus before i'm out to. maybe i'll decorate the new place with them. who knows? my life is changing so much, so why do i feel the same?


Friday, July 08, 2005

sometimes words just feel good to me

fluid/ liquidy openness/ languid boneless freedom/ sensible sensitive sensory-driven highwire hard act to follow/ easy to swallow goes down smooth but leaves you soon/ dissipates in orange rays/ are they from the moon or the sun?/ words be like maniac magee, sometimes they just run/ rhyme sometimes is the reason/ the meaning be in the nature of things/ one quarter to figure it out before it make change/ jingle in a pocket or on the TV/ comes to the same end/ never see it coming, but always see it go/ want to be more open but kept in a box/ want to move like pumas, but i only travel fox/ been dying to converse, but i can't seem to just do it/ want to be impulsive, but i always think through it/ want to choose an instance that would yield the least consequence - so much for a risk taker/ want to give it all away, but scared the world will not repay - so much for a love maker/ bet that if i play fair i can always win - so much for a high staker/ somebody take her away/ she's teasing the minors 'til the majors come out to play/ in the sappling stages of her hay day/ watch me grow/ reap solitude and sincerity/ watch me sow/ of this i'm absolutely certain, i do not know...

Thursday, July 07, 2005

let's do the scooby doo ending...

ever have a day where the energy just feels all swiggly like flashback scenes in the movies?... uh... me either.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

as the world turns

the summer days drift on in haze/ like hendrix but not purple/ more like bluish-green/ i ride a yellow submarine to the pleasure machine which takes me to a phantom tollbooth/ "ticket for one please"/ way one to audacity/ never thought she'd make it there/ so knowledgeable, but so unaware/ plenty of concerns, but never a care/ in the world this little girl is powerful/ so powerful that one more notch will leave her at powerless/ and out of breathe/ and filled with more or less/ or more of less/ like subtraction stew/ she was in trouble from the moment she took a bite and began to chew...

can i get closer?/ just let me get closer. / if you say no, then i'll gladly go, but don't/
leave me in suspended animation/ itching with anticipation/ reaching out for our next encounter/ while you point and laugh behind a double sided looking glass/ standing there with the bad cop/ comfortably shielded by my perception of you/ i'm not saying another word until i talk to my lawyer...

(i don't know what those were/ are/ will be yet)

hey young world! the world is yours! young world, young world! young wor-or-or-orld! wow, only just gone, but so far removed. i watch these girls in the program and wonder what is going on in their minds. do they just talk about alot of things that they've never experienced, they way we used to do? i'm afraid to think that the truth is that they know all too well of which they speak. took some of them across the street yesterday; apparently something has gone down to give one of the girls a "reputation" already. the guys started making sly, rude comments and she bucked up on 'em hard. i spoke to their RA and told him that if their boys couldn't behave as gentlemen then the ladies would have to leave (got to look out for my spelman sisters, even the potential ones). i really wanted to be a little less professional and help her chew their asses to a pulp (how you just gon' dis-retrospect me like that?). but, how can i defend you if you are not your own first line of defense? so, i want to talk to her, then meet with them and say, "see? when we say be careful about your behavior it's not because we're trying to spoil your fun. it's because guys can be real assholes and all they need is the slightest inkling to start a huge catastrophe. sometimes they don't need anythign at all." i'm trying to let them be independent but not too much. i'm trying to resist that overly maternal urge, but not too much...

in other news

i finish the program at spelman on july 23rd. i begin my first day at hallmark on august 8th. two weeks isn't alot of time to transition.

until next time,

ps- i did that thing from bettina's blog. i found the results

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

Friday, July 01, 2005

breathe and stop...

now i know what tom hanks must have felt like in terminal. in the airport all day, trying to fly stand by on the brink of one of the biggest commercial holidays of the summer (real smart, teresa). but 10 hours and 3 missed flights after i began my attempt i was on a plane back to atlanta. so, no harm no foul, right? i made it to my baby bro's graduation and i saw my family, including my long lost spanish sister, and it was well worth it. i didn't get to see my dad (sniff, sniff) but i see him when i go back at the end of the month...i didn't get to explore kc very much while i was there because of a really tight schedule, but i'll have time when i - (drum roll please) go back in august to start as and associate editor for the mahogany division - YEAH!!!! they called me yesterday afternoon while i was in the airport. it's so amazing! i am so blessed, and i ask myself, "what have i done so good to be so blessed?" i still can't answer that, but God knows how thankful i am. i have to figure out how to celebrate. once in atlanta and once in jersey, maybe? it feels so big, so overwhelming. i'll be so far away from the people i love so dearly. gotta get a computer now or my phone bill will be throught the roof... those i have told are happy for me, but some are sad that i will be so far away from them. i understand that; i'm sad too, in that regard... so, i'm still an RA here at spelman and i'm doing that job. i still have to move my things and i'm figuring out that situation. but nothing quite feels real right now. not an out-of-body experience, but maybe one foot in/ one foot out? i feel kinda light-headed and liquidy... crazy man. and it's not just the job but what it symbolizes. my life is in major transition right now, and it's kinda fun and scary and i'm gonna try to keep my eyes open for the whole ride.