Thursday, May 26, 2005

not gift - power

started the ball rolling today. packed more things away. cleaned and reflected on a few things. journaled a bit. wanted to write a poem, but it turned into a journal entry. i'm okay with that though; so long as i'm writing i'm fine. went to see a dance performance today...amazing. dancers have always amazed me, but to see this young girl full of charisma and talent and a mother that supports her completely... i thought about my sisters and how they both dance and how i want to support them in any way that i can. then i hope that i am such a fabulous mom that my children are humble and obedient, but still know that they are the sh*t. and oh yes, they will be the sh*t. on a damper note, one of my sisterfriends she came and had a bad day. i was glad that she felt she could tralk to me, but i wish there was more i could do. sometimes the best thing to do is to listen. by the end of the night, after the performance she was laughing again. it was good to see, even if just for a time, and it occurred to me that we have the power to heal each other and ourselves. not gift - power, and why not? if we are made in the image of the all-powerful how can we not contain at least a bit of power? illogical, isn't. and the world wants us to disown our power in the name of what? gender? femininity? hell no. i say, be powerful!!!!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

i'm not afraid anymore! (today...)

i might really be on to something with this americorp thing, but i haven't explored all the options thoroughly. i will continue to do so as i work towards the hallmark semi-goal. why "semi" you ask? because it is a good place to start, but that is far from the ultimate goal of performance and plays and the cannon. i need some fantasy in my life right now. the triumph of good over evil, magic and wizards and fairies and such. i need lord of the rings. maybe star warz would do the trick, but i've never watched so i don't know. maybe i'll just read sundiata - a fabulous read, by the by... i feel the tide turning. i've had enough down time. i'm so cool with running full speed ahead, even if it means falling. who lives a full life without bumps and bruises? i don't want to be unscarred. i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul. life is not before me, it is beside me. it is surrounding me. i am so ready...laterZ~ tmL

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

i wonder, will it take me under?

okay, so i'm a little more frightened than i care to admit. life is real. responsibility is serious and fear doesn't help a damn thing. kweli's joint "get by" comes to mind. but i never wanted to just get by. it's not as important to me that the end justify the means as it is that the means justify themselves because life is so short and so uncertain that we are not guaranteed to make it to the end hard, so hard pressed...i know it's only as difficult as we make it, but i can be really hard on myself. it's like a jungle sometimes...tmL

Monday, May 23, 2005

great expectations

jay's gone home. i miss him alot. when i woke up and he wasn't there it felt weird. like he was fitting's funny because i was feeling clastrophobic for a minute, but he doesn't restrict me at all. that's so peace... i went to see where i'm gonna be staying after i leave my beloved first apartment ((((sniff, sniff)))). i'm gonna miss that place, but the new one is nice too, for a temporary stay. gotta get some income coming in, jump start the writing energy, and - just -really focus man. it occurred to me that i'm not just finding something to pass the time until the fall semester comes in; i don't have a fall semester coming for at least two years. it's spooky, man. still working on this hallmark thing, but what then? what do i want after that? i had a professor tell me that it's okay to write for hallmark but please don't become a "hallmark writer", please don't stop there because she thinks i'm a great mind. do you know how much it means to hear that from a professor(s) who you think so highly of? it's the biggest rush. i take compliments better than i used to, but it's scary like what if i don't live up to everyone's expectations of me? sounds like a real typical and unnecessary concern probably. it only comes to mind sometimes. usually i feel confident that i'm going to do/be great things. i'm destined to, no doubt about that - i don't know exactly what yet. of course as a writer i have not ruled out that, as in the grand tradition of writers, i may gain the most notariety posthumously. it's cool. i feel like i gotta develop a ritual, not just a formula, for writing so that all of the voices that need a vessel can get to me easily. i can't discuss everything that goes on in my mind, gives me plenty of material - fiction of course - well, mostly. i feel like poetry is cryptic and poets sometimes want to communicate, but without saying what they mean directly. it's the doublethink that drives us to desire to share and keep secrets simultaneously - maybe just me(i've been addicted to doublethink since i read 1984 in the 12th grade). gotta work on this application some more. creativity for profit - capitalism's a bugger, ain't it? laterz~ tmL

Thursday, May 19, 2005

you can't deny the charges

so, i am now a spelman alumna. it happened only 5 days ago, but in light of all that must take place sooner than later graduation already feels like it happened so long ago. i'm am/was having anxiety about freedom and restriction and what they mean in a patriarchy. everything feels like restriction and i just what to run (i feel like i've said this already?). jay is so understanding because i've been withdrawn a little, while he's been visiting, and he just lets me be. i love him. i love my friends, and when they got to meet each other it was beautiful. i was anxious about that too. those two worlds meshing, but it was smooth. they understood and appreciated each other. such a blessed night. parties (excuse me, "get togethers") like instant pancake mix - just add water. good food, music, people, energy. tears and smiles, but all so good. just a few missing from the number, and they were missed greatly... so weird; it's so weird. how seeming endings spark brand new beginnings... discipline is so key for success, and being true to self takes discipline. esp when one is accustomed to feigning for the comfort of others, but not in a self-denial way, but in a "what difference does it make anyway?" sort of way... writers must experience => i am a writer => i must experience. simple enough, isn't it? deLaine cried the other day when we picked up our degrees and all day long. crying off and on...very hard because i wanted to hugged her and stuff but when deLaine and i get emotional we just shake it off like a couple of old macho italian men. that's what we've done for the last three years. it always worked b4. but lots of things that worked before don't seem to work now...lots of things...that worked so naturally. just...don' but society says it has to, right? so it has to, right? so we pretend that we don't see that square jammed in the circle's space but it doesn't fit. it doesn't, but when the toddler makes it fit, the toddler is so proud, and we cannot tell the toddler that it is wrong. we only smile and say, "that's good baby, real good." eventually we cease to see the space around the circle ourselves. the space that bares witness that it does not fit. no more fisher-price for me. laters~tmL

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

just like a gemini

so, i thought i was done, but lo and behold! there was another assignment. i am thankful for the chance to complete it but my "i'm finished" dance came a little too early. now i have to do the assignment, shop for the black and white party (yes, i'm going), get home and change and find a ride to the senior soiree. so much to do, but i am happy to be celebrating with my classmates (05! holla!). the hot celebration, the for real realness, ain't going down until friday at my house anyway. i can't wait to see all my beautiful people - my life force - the thought of them makes me bubbly. <<<>>> as far as the graduation pre-drama, i'm not gonna let it be anything. everyone will get to atl, they will go to graduation, then they will go home and i will live to tell the story. tasha emailed me; i love that girl. my sister is my heart on some realness. she won't be at my graduation, but half of valencia, spain knws that i'm graduating in 5 days (hold me down, tash!). i know i'll feel her with me at commencement. gotta go finish for the second time. just like a gemini...
peace, tmL

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

calling all positivity!

it's a new dawn. it's a new day, and a new life for me...and i'm feeling good! (shout out to maisha) . maybe it's being "done" with course work or the warm weather, but i feel like good things are about to happen - granted good things are always happening, we are just too self-absorbed to see it sometimes, so maybe the better question is where have i been? i'm excited about life, student loans and all (woah there, rese, don't get overzealous). i do not desire to become so indoctrinated into the grown-up world that i cease to believe in the magical, in the innocence, in the wonder that is God all around. i want to feel all of life, pain and pleasure - balance is the thing. i wrote this poem for one of my special sunshine sisters, and i hope to live it to the fullest of my being:

intelligent, sensitive
observing, understanding, creating
sees the beautiful

thank you, Creator for the days when i feel you most. this is one of those days. may i "release the good" on everyone i encounter.

peace, tmL

so this is sunlight?

it's early in the morning. the day after i have completed my academic tasks and instead of feeling really good, i just feel hung over. does that make sense? i've thought more about this blogging thing, and i guess it's a good idea if i'm going to live far away from friends and family. they can read it to keep up with me because anybody who knows me knows that i'm pretty bad at keeping in touch. don't mean to be, just am. i got a return email from hallmark staffing saying that they received my application and i will hear back in 3-4 weeks. i was so nervous when i sent it. i have to find another hustle for the summer because right now i'm staring down the barrel of unemployment and homelessness. wonder if i can stay for another month in that apartment? wonder if i can find a job in GA? wonder if i could be on the brink of the greatest grown-ass summer of my life? i'm getting excited just thinking about it. it would be a period of well deserved freedom and boundless creativity. i bet i could finish my play. i bet i could learn a whole bunch of cool hole-in-the-wall spots in atlanta. i bet i could actively cherish friendships and actively deepen the ones that i have not had the time to cultivate. i bet i could befriend some strangers. life is so filled with possibility. i must not forget that. even if employment doesn't come so quick or i can't get another month in that apartment or whatever less than desirable thing may befall me. it's all gravy because i can always control the way i handle a situation even if i can't handle the situation itself, savvy? i haven't been awake early like this in a long time. i miss the sun. this solar powered woman's been running on fumes, but not today. i am awake and my sun is here and she will take care of me, so i can take care of somebody else. i saw "pay it forward" for the first time on sunday. it was so good. it brought out the utopian in me and i haven't seen her for a while. i even got teary at the end, but that's cause other stuff was plaguing me too. i cry at movies sometimes so people won't link it to something else. after battling the slings and arrows of procrastination on yesterday and coming out unscathed, here i go again...i'm claiming a new space today, a space of: energy, confidence, professionalism, vision, freedom, love, God, nature, patience, focus, sexiness (hell yes, and it's about time if i may say so). for some of these things it's just a matter of kicking it up a notch, for others - it's experimentation. either way, i plan to enjoy the ride.
peace, tmL

i dont know

this is only a test to see if i can post twice to the same blog...i can;t believe there's no way to close an account. that's like starting a road, getting to a river a saying, "oh, we don't have a bridge!" i should be sleepin'.
peace(fully), tmL