Tuesday, June 28, 2005

there's a whole w(h)id(t)e world out there!

i'm goin' to kansas city, kansas city here i come...

flew into kansas city, mo, on the 26th. interviewed all day on the 27th, and i should know something by the end of this week. i wanted to hold out, to keep it to myself until i knew the final outcome, but what the hell? what good is this thing if i use it to keep informatin from people - especially the handful of ya'll who read it? so yes, i got the interview. yes, i feel like it went well. i want to claim it without being cocky. i want to have back-up plans without being pessimisstic (and i think i just butchered the spelling of that word). i didn't get to see much, but on the metropolis-meter kc is not ny; it's not jc; hell, it ain't even atl. they say, "it's the big city that feels like a small town." that sounds like code for, "we got alot of big buildings, but there isn't shit to do here." hope i'm wrong. hope i'm fortunate and blessed enough where my concern is what to do for fun in kc, nah mean?... the move is far and far removed, but it may be time for me to be unknown again... i did make it home and to my lil bro's 8th grade graduation. he cried, my mom cried, some teachers cried. i'm so proud of him; he's growing into such a young man and my little meLissa, well oh my goodness! families go through stuff sometimes, but damn do i love mine. i look at my baby brother and sister (who are 13 and 12 and not babies by any stretch of the imagination) and see no limit on their future. my mom, she is doing what she is capable of and i hope she feels validated in her efforts when we achieve the way that we do, all 5 of us in our respective ways...hot damn, my tasha is back. this is big ass news! this one has been in spain all school year and i have missed her like no other. today we cracked jokes ceaselessly and laughed 'til we cried and it was wonderful to not have to explain my humor - none of it. after graduation we went to my mom's and then met up at the mall later. our respective "ball-and-chains" were with us (i say that affectionately), but they walked behind us talking and we galivanted about, arm in arm, being sisters and best friends. bonded over the semi-annual, how lovely! worried about who to contact while i'm home. i know i won't be able to see everyone and picking and choosing is not my bag, never has been. but it would be wrong not to at least let people know that i am here, no?... with just a little more counsel, i made decide to take matters into my own hands. she said regret was one of the worst things to have. i agree. i only get to do this lifeitme once, right?...that's too far to be alone, bu maybe it will allow me to do some more growing up (wow, that shit never ends, huh?)... invited to be a part of 3, but wondering of there is a hidden invite to be a part of 2. both invitaions are tempting..when there is a euphoric confusion that starts to settle down, either by clarity or fatigue, do we stir it back up? perplex ourselves once more because we've become addicted to the butterflies?
"i guess i'll see you next lifetime. no hard feelings, baby." - erykah badu
"you ain't gotta save mine for later, i'd rather have it right now anyway." - darius lovehall (love jones)


Thursday, June 23, 2005

money IS a thing (apparently)

so perhaps i should have been working all along, but i wasn't and maybe i confuse "lookin' out" for "trying to get over" but i feel i'm being played in a major way. i mean damn, i thought...but...well nevermind, initial purpose served i guess.so correction - i like being a traveler, not a nomad, especially when i've got all this stuff (it's not shit; they're good things, books and music and such). paying for storage is such a rip off. think about it - i pay to put some things in one spot and not touch them...huh? exactly. nonsense...not feeling quite right on the inside. i hate that, like tears are falling backwards. everything's just so up in the air right now and here i go trying to spare feelings and fix feelings and abandon my feelings and i know it won't work and i'm stubborn for even trying...boy, what a rant, but as my mommy would say, "it bees that way sometimes." moms say the funniest, most logical things sometimes, don't they? i know what i gotta do. gotta move again. get so tired of moving, of shuffling around, having no home. well, having no home of my own is more like it. people's hearts are real big, but their space is quite the contrary. i look forward to newness again. i wonder what kind of adult i will make. (and i ask this question as if i am not there, as if i get to pause time and think about that shit). damn i hope this interview goes well. i can figure something else out, but this is what i want. anmd dad seems to think that they must be genuinely interested if it took me most of second semester to apply and they were speedy with responses and now this. i'll have to make more acquaitances and if i'm lucky maybe a few friends. i'm really trying to prepare for such a move because it would be so much bigger than just another state...feel like watery pink and grey goop on the inside - like the stuff they ate in Orwell's 1984, except not nutritious at all...so here's what i gotta do:
1. move some stuff
2. get this career jumpin' off
3. not make myself a casualty
4. seduce my muse
5. not take shit personally
(not in any particular order of importance though)

Monday, June 20, 2005

(some of) the gang's still here

yeah, hella 05' graduates are working at spelman. they can'd get rid of us that easy, i guess. i'm glad to be here because b4 the RA opportunity for this program i was truly a bum, but this is cool. my sister is coming home today!!!! i am so excited even thought i won't see her for about another week. she's home and that's double plus good... it is so cool when u find people or run into them and u think they may have forgotten about u but they haven't good feeling...called my dad for father's day and we actually talked for a minute. he was telling me what to do when i'm being courted by a company that wants me to work for them. he seems to be under the impression that hallmark is seeking me out (how about that?). i don't know if it's true, but it's an interesting thought... i hope that i can positively influence these girls in this program. i want to do some service activities with them and some consciousness raising. give them that side of spelman too, ya' know? i was considering a mini- sisterfire since alysia will be back soon and moyabean is in the place to be, but alas! it is not my place anymore (sob.) but i have the utmost confidence in the new fantastic four. two vets and two cherries. they will do a spelndiferous job; i just hope i can hall ass and make it back to atl for one of the amazing sessions. to think about it makes me smile...damn i'm blessed! the people i know, the things i've experienced, the life i have yet to live. i don't know if i've done anything so good (in this life or the previous) to deserve all of this. boy, God, i really appreciate this...love in all forms...

Thursday, June 16, 2005

down the middle

i wonder how safe it is to blog in public, not that any of these people are paying me any mind... anyway, won't be going home as soon as i thought, but i guess that's okay. things have been happening in this world o'mine, but i don't know to what end. got a big ol' slice of good news yesterday and a handful of bad news. i don't want to speak on either yet (oh the suspense! what is she talking about?) (i guess this is how daytime television networks do it). stepping into the world only feels slightly different so far. i guess it's because i've been doing some things on my own for a while... damn do i dance around things...so split down the middle is what i am. want people to know you, for real know you and want to keep introverted, to yourself. want to be rambuncious (that spelling is probably so wrong) and want to not regret (but honestly, the rambuncious side kinda has it on this one). want to be committed and want to be free. want to be outright sexy and want to be shy and alluring. want to be an academician and want to be a craftswoman. want to be an artist and want to be a scientist. want to have it all planned out and want to leave chances to the wind. want to be understood and want to be an enigma. want to be totally independent..(okay, bullshit that's impossible). want to be cocky and humble. want to be acknowledged and invisible****want to be settled and want to go. to go and go and go and never stop and not own anymore than i can carry on my back. either side of every example has its benefits, but desiring them both results in some lukewarm state that's worth the retail value of a pissy mattress...and then the scariest part is to open yourself to those who don't really care to know you and close yourself to those who really are curious...projection is a menacing thing once you recognize when you do it...turning over a new leaf is difficult when there's all that cruddy shit underneath it...want people to get it and want to keep it to yourself...one thing, at least, i'm not split about, i would never rather not know. i don't opt for ignorance over knowledge, or at least not so far in my life...can't get upset when people don't get you if you only reveal but so much...finished writing for Hallmark, time to start writing for me now..."that isn't polite, Toto, we haven't been asked yet."

Monday, June 13, 2005


forgive me blogger, for i have sinned. it has been weeks since my last blog. it is so addictive; i think i actually started breaking out in hives the other day. having no home computer sucks, but i haven't lay totally dormant(well, honestly i did for a spell). i finished hallmark set #2, started writing again ( i hope the muse can forgive me, right now i'm entreating her to take me back), moved into an old new place. closer but isolated...missing people, lots of people...i guess my future was so in my face that the past got jealous, so here comes the past back in my face. now they unknowingly compete for my attention...what neither knows is that i am so anamoured with the present that i can only see the other two in my periphery...my sister's coming home! that's so important i need to say it again - my sister's coming home dammit!!!! we are going to kick it so hard. the world, are they ready?...yo! my baby brother is graduating from 8th grade in 15 days! i am soooo proud of that little nigga' (and i don't use that word, but i am so crunk about it that i have to)! shout out to MARK HILL, i love you bro! ... lots of creative projects in the works. shout out to beanju for mad support on the app... the phrase that pays right now, "ebb and flow"...the up and down is what makes it worth riding/ and hiding is only fun when they seek you out/ and doubt is confidence's evil twin/ we trapped that bastard in the attic/ wouldn't you know he was a locksmith?/ so he escapes to do some haunting/ works to make my tasks more daunting/ holding the future in his hands and flaunting it/ taunting me with psychological scare tactics that the end won't justify the means/ but little does he know that i live for the means to justify themselves/ the end is not my concern...

(that last part was more of a blurb than a blog, i think. i can dig it)