one way people identify their “callings”
in life is by deciding what they could never do without – art, music,
math, the newspaper. if something comes to mind, that is at least a
place to start. but what if you don’t know what you can’t do without?
what if you are an extremely, go-with-the-flow, totally adaptable
person? does this mean you have no passion? no ambition? no drive?
let’s take it a step further, pair that adaptability with the ability
to learn things quickly, then toss in a laundry list of affinities.
you’re left somewhere in the middle of possibility, but not the green
hills, sunshine kind of possibility; this is the seedy shadow of
possibility – that bastard cousin, indecision. graduate high school?
check. graduate college? check. get a great job? check. then what the
hell is the problem? I should be thanking my lucky stars, but instead
I’m reproaching the stars – double checking to see if any of them are
my true north or if I’ve been fooled. let's be clear, i am not unhappy
by any definition, but i guess the honeymoon employment period is over...
in other news, i think i may have chronical
dyslexia. (and i probably just made that up, but let me explain) no,
not chronic dyslexia because that would be habitual and that's not what
i mean. "chronical dyslexia" as in, my mentality wants to go backwards;
this sounds bad, i know but it's under control - i'm in no danger of what nas would call a "second childhood." but i think it boils down to wanting to have more "fun" (for "fun" see a billion different things for a billion different people).
see, when i was younger i was 'mature for my age' (or at least i was told). people made this sound like a compliment, so i continued to perpetuate this behavior. looking back, while mature meant "safe and responsible" it also meant "boring." were it not for my younger sister, i probably wouldn't have had the handful of free-wheeling childhood experiences i did encounter. so one day i caught myself saying, "damn! i totally missed my chance to be 'young and foolish!'" well, no take-backs. i'm not underage, so there will be no fake IDs. not in school anymore, so i can't cut class (and hell no i'm not cutting work). there will be no experimentation with mind altering substances. when i told my husband that i missed my chance to do young and dumb things, he said maybe that was a blessing. maybe i would have gotten too deep into something i couldn't get out of (can you believe it? someone more level-headed than me - in this instance anyway). he makes a good point. i guess what irks me the most is that i don't think i stayed so straight-laced entirely because of my pristine virtues or exemplary moral compass. i mean, i wanted to be a good kid, but often times, i was just scared...
anyway, all that to say that if i create stellar fiction in the future don't raise an eyebrow when you see me in person because there's a pretty good chance i didn't do any of it.
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5 comments:
i feel you so deeply i can't even express it! gemini to gemini twin to twin
I was watching Juvies on MTV wondering how fun it might have been if i had gone to juvenile hall. (I dont think that was the intended effect). I think the idea of being a delinquent and having a criminal record, a record that i did something BAD was appealing to me. (I chose juvenile hall because the convictions wouldnt bar me from fafsa and future employment, i have no desire to go to grown up jail...well kinda)
"anyway, all that to say that if i create stellar fiction in the future don't raise an eyebrow when you see me in person because there's a pretty good chance i didn't do any of it."
hehehe than i hope you got a good imagination.
mb - let's get in a little trouble the next time i'm in atl =+)
ali - i hope the show discourages young ones from trying to be "tough guys." as far as fun in juvie is concerned, have you ever seen Sleepers? not fun.
i like your rough drafts
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