hiatus and hindsight...

more than 2 months have passed since i last posted, and you know what? that makes coming back to this space even harder (though i'm finding even the simplest of tasks difficult these days). i had this big plan, see? i was gonna revamp my blog and start posting regularly in the new year, and there would be essays and photos and content oh my! but the new year approached, and there was all this other sh*t to do, see? so then it was january 1, and it was all still the same. and the weather was sucking and it was cold and (blah blah blah, cry me a river, i know). then february rolled around and it was more than just the weather that sucked, and i was in this funk that was damn near terminal - terminal, i tell you! optimism, ambition, love, hope - all of it nearly flatlined, and i didn't even want to talk about it so i damn sure wasn't about to write about it.

it was a dark time, and i'm not saying it's all unicorns and rainbows now, but it is better. i'm on the other side of some days, some weeks, that i was certain would take me out (figuratively speaking). see, when your heart is sick, you can hang on to it for a while – nursing the sickness because you want to feel your way through. but when you decide to start to heal your heart, and your body gets sick immediately following (seriously, like the next day) you realize that health – on every level – is the most important thing there is. it was surreal, having my body feel, for one week, what my heart/head was feeling for months. Some scary sh*t.

anyway, all that to say, life didn't stop. life never stops, and maybe we (read "we" as "me") incur the most trouble when we try to make it stop - when our answer becomes no. no to trying, or seeing the bright side, or picking ourselves up, or even letting someone else pick us up; no to looking for answers; no (God forbid) to even asking the questions. we have been given life to live it, and the trouble comes when we try to just skate by, existing.

this may all be me just babbling, but that's cool too. gotta start somewhere, right?

it's good to be back.

**(what the hell?! she didn't post this on no 02/07! i know, but that's when i started picking up the pieces.)