down the middle

i wonder how safe it is to blog in public, not that any of these people are paying me any mind... anyway, won't be going home as soon as i thought, but i guess that's okay. things have been happening in this world o'mine, but i don't know to what end. got a big ol' slice of good news yesterday and a handful of bad news. i don't want to speak on either yet (oh the suspense! what is she talking about?) (i guess this is how daytime television networks do it). stepping into the world only feels slightly different so far. i guess it's because i've been doing some things on my own for a while... damn do i dance around things...so split down the middle is what i am. want people to know you, for real know you and want to keep introverted, to yourself. want to be rambuncious (that spelling is probably so wrong) and want to not regret (but honestly, the rambuncious side kinda has it on this one). want to be committed and want to be free. want to be outright sexy and want to be shy and alluring. want to be an academician and want to be a craftswoman. want to be an artist and want to be a scientist. want to have it all planned out and want to leave chances to the wind. want to be understood and want to be an enigma. want to be totally independent..(okay, bullshit that's impossible). want to be cocky and humble. want to be acknowledged and invisible****want to be settled and want to go. to go and go and go and never stop and not own anymore than i can carry on my back. either side of every example has its benefits, but desiring them both results in some lukewarm state that's worth the retail value of a pissy mattress...and then the scariest part is to open yourself to those who don't really care to know you and close yourself to those who really are curious...projection is a menacing thing once you recognize when you do it...turning over a new leaf is difficult when there's all that cruddy shit underneath it...want people to get it and want to keep it to yourself...one thing, at least, i'm not split about, i would never rather not know. i don't opt for ignorance over knowledge, or at least not so far in my life...can't get upset when people don't get you if you only reveal but so much...finished writing for Hallmark, time to start writing for me now..."that isn't polite, Toto, we haven't been asked yet."