great expectations

jay's gone home. i miss him alot. when i woke up and he wasn't there it felt weird. like he was fitting in...it's funny because i was feeling clastrophobic for a minute, but he doesn't restrict me at all. that's so peace... i went to see where i'm gonna be staying after i leave my beloved first apartment ((((sniff, sniff)))). i'm gonna miss that place, but the new one is nice too, for a temporary stay. gotta get some income coming in, jump start the writing energy, and - just -really focus man. it occurred to me that i'm not just finding something to pass the time until the fall semester comes in; i don't have a fall semester coming for at least two years. it's spooky, man. still working on this hallmark thing, but what then? what do i want after that? i had a professor tell me that it's okay to write for hallmark but please don't become a "hallmark writer", please don't stop there because she thinks i'm a great mind. do you know how much it means to hear that from a professor(s) who you think so highly of? it's the biggest rush. i take compliments better than i used to, but it's scary like what if i don't live up to everyone's expectations of me? sounds like a real typical and unnecessary concern probably. it only comes to mind sometimes. usually i feel confident that i'm going to do/be great things. i'm destined to, no doubt about that - i don't know exactly what yet. of course as a writer i have not ruled out that, as in the grand tradition of writers, i may gain the most notariety posthumously. it's cool. i feel like i gotta develop a ritual, not just a formula, for writing so that all of the voices that need a vessel can get to me easily. i can't discuss everything that goes on in my mind, but....it gives me plenty of material - fiction of course - well, mostly. i feel like poetry is cryptic and poets sometimes want to communicate, but without saying what they mean directly. it's the doublethink that drives us to desire to share and keep secrets simultaneously - maybe just me(i've been addicted to doublethink since i read 1984 in the 12th grade). gotta work on this application some more. creativity for profit - capitalism's a bugger, ain't it? laterz~ tmL