you can't deny the charges

so, i am now a spelman alumna. it happened only 5 days ago, but in light of all that must take place sooner than later graduation already feels like it happened so long ago. i'm am/was having anxiety about freedom and restriction and what they mean in a patriarchy. everything feels like restriction and i just what to run (i feel like i've said this already?). jay is so understanding because i've been withdrawn a little, while he's been visiting, and he just lets me be. i love him. i love my friends, and when they got to meet each other it was beautiful. i was anxious about that too. those two worlds meshing, but it was smooth. they understood and appreciated each other. such a blessed night. parties (excuse me, "get togethers") like instant pancake mix - just add water. good food, music, people, energy. tears and smiles, but all so good. just a few missing from the number, and they were missed greatly... so weird; it's so weird. how seeming endings spark brand new beginnings... discipline is so key for success, and being true to self takes discipline. esp when one is accustomed to feigning for the comfort of others, but not in a self-denial way, but in a "what difference does it make anyway?" sort of way... writers must experience => i am a writer => i must experience. simple enough, isn't it? deLaine cried the other day when we picked up our degrees and all day long. crying off and on...very hard because i wanted to hugged her and stuff but when deLaine and i get emotional we just shake it off like a couple of old macho italian men. that's what we've done for the last three years. it always worked b4. but lots of things that worked before don't seem to work now...lots of things...that worked so naturally. just...don't...fit. but society says it has to, right? so it has to, right? so we pretend that we don't see that square jammed in the circle's space but it doesn't fit. it doesn't, but when the toddler makes it fit, the toddler is so proud, and we cannot tell the toddler that it is wrong. we only smile and say, "that's good baby, real good." eventually we cease to see the space around the circle ourselves. the space that bares witness that it does not fit. no more fisher-price for me. laters~tmL