brown silk and amber sunsets (or) hey now, hey now, my boyfriend's back

okay, so jay's my fiance and he can't really be back if he's never left, if he's never been here to leave. but the bottom line is that he's here now - for the week that is. and in between clownin' on kansas city (and how on a sunday afternoon it looks like the set of the next steven king novel-turn-movie) we're having a really good time. God is the best of all planners. i was soooo beat when i missed celena's wedding. just tired and sad and all around not at my best, but when he said he would come kick it for a week it really turned the whole thing around. i still owe homegirl the fresh wedding gift, but i ended up with a present too! (sweet.) it's interesting having him in my space; even more interesting than at graduation because at that time i had a roommate and lots if plans and family and friends coming in and classes were finished. now, it's just me ((one is the magic number) out of context jill scott experience. we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog) and we spend the evenings together, but in the morning i'm up and out to work. practically every time before this that we've spent together was vacation, so now it almost feels like a vacation everyday when i get home (please, no "aw's", i'm trying to be descriptive here not sentimental). most people here drive, so when we walk to....every-damn-where i'm thinking to myself, "we are probably the most eccentric pair most of these people have ever seen." we're not doing anything extravagant just dinner and watching some tv (i have televesion now, by the by) and going for walks and talking. real living together type stuff. it feels dejavu-ish-ly comfortable. we're both leaving on saturday morning - he back to jersey, and i'm off to dc to visit my spelmanite homie. damn, we just spent 4 years together, you'd think enough was enough, right? but can you ever have too much of a good thing? until someone can give me scientific proof of the negative, i will be visiting all ya'll folks until you tell me point blank, "honey, i love you. get out." ;+) ....let's break this off livejournal style -

mood: content
music: Lyzel in E flat

the terminal, an airport requiem in three parts

the following is a paraphrased a excerpt from the author's hand-written journal. viewer discretion is advised

26 August 2005 ~ 3:23pm

i'm on the first leg of my weekend journey. this means that i at least have a leg to stand on. praying on the shuttle like, "oh please God let there be space...I'll try really hard to behave." so, now just my end of the bargain left....when i looked online b4 i left work, the airtran site said "no seats available." my stomach was tight all the way from the westin (crown center) to the time i had the boarding pass in my hand. The nice lady at the ticket booth said i have to double check the status in atl. i'll be tense all over again. i hope to pass the time in atlanta with a few friendly faces at the west end mall or something. perhaps i will get a pedicure to pass the time - in true spelmanite fashion (what?! i have to go to a wedding. can't look janky!)

26 August 2005 ~ 10:20pm
i'm on the second leg of my journey now, and quite frankly, the gate attendant just bust me in the knee cap with a billy club. one told me i had a seat. another called me back up about four minutes later and took my boarding pass and put it in the trash. (said they were overbooked.) i want so badly to get on. i don't know what to do....God is able....i'm not giving up....she sounds vehement, so determined not to let anyone on!....it's killing me!....trying not to cry (while they're boarding)....please oh Lord, no more stand by this entire year! please make it so i can get on!....i walked onto the plane. i saw the seats! two of them were inoperative! (SHIT!) i'm going to the restroom, and i'm going to cry. then i'll figure what to do.

27 August 2005 ~ 1:00pm
and Allah is the best of all planners. i am on the third (and probably the final) leg of my weekend journay. crashed at byrd's house last night. slept late, but it appears that i will make the 2:40pm flight back home. What? (in the most sarcastic tone of life) a flight to kansas city that isn't full, go figure?!? i regretfully texted celena and told her i would not make it (sniff, sniff). but my prematurely purchased return ticket will not go to waste. jay is going to use it to come visit me =+). granted this is much sooner than either of us planned for him to be in kc, but something had to come of this episode. he had to pay a fee to change the ticket over, but he's coming. it's not my friend's wedding, but it's one hell of a consolation prize. i haven't told him about the lay over in atlanta yet (eek!); it's a few hours. i hope he's not pissed by the time he actually gets here.

the graduate

spelmanite identifier #515:

when in a discussion with colleagues about lunch, you refer to your company's dining area as "the cafe"

- true story.

retrospective introspection & red letter day & the wedding singer

prelude:

TWIN1: hey self! i figured out how we can account for missed blogging opportunities during the week.

TWIN2: smashing! how can we do that? especially since we do not want to blog at work.

TWIN1: right-o, but if you do recall, the posting page allows for us to set the date and time, so we can post the events of anyday and set it to the date that those events actually happened.

TWIN2: brilliant! but...

TWIN1: but what? you've already said brilliant; you can't take it back.

TWIN2: well, we can barely type as it is, so won't we end up at the monitor forever trying to post multiple entries at once, especially considering how lengthy you tend to be.

TWIN1: are you calling me long-winded? because i'll have you know that brevity is the soul of wit and...

TWIN2: you were never very witty either.

TWIN1: well, what do you propose?

TWIN2: snippets. like news briefs, and we can use gradation to show a different day through a different color - instead of using the date.

TWIN1: good. i hate dates, time is so relative. fine, we'll try it your way.

it's funny, kind of. when i still identified as 'christian' i was told i would make a good 'muslim'. now that i identify as 'muslim' i don't know if i feel like a very good one....talked about it for a long time, and i got off the phone feeling kinda shi...not too good. why aren't i trying my hardest? at the same time, i do feel like i have the basics down. for as long as i can remember i've had the basics down. know that there's a God and love that God. treat people as reflections of that God (myself included). i know there are some particulars that i need to work out, and let's face it some of those are pretty big, but i do not feel that i am a bad person to any substantive degree (granted this is all subjective)....if only that were enough. i have to start making moves towards a little more, even if those movements are not visible on the outside. that doesn't matter to me. mbongi and i use to talk all the time about truth and finding it and searching for it, and we were afraid that we might neglect the truth for the sake of the search. we could potentially be forever uncertain, right? but i would say, "regardless of what God's name is and where i find God and how long i search, at least for sure God's knows i'm trying." now that i'm not so much searching as settling in and connecting, can i even say the same? was it the fear of dying in limbo that made me sincere? does God feel like i'm trying now? do i?

donated blood at work today. i always feel good when i do that, even though i still get a little pensive around the needle work (and i was thinking about a tatoo, imagine!). didn't eat breakfast. ran out on lunch. drank a little bit, but not much. for the record, when those nice red cross people tell you to eat and drink lots of fluids and chill out for the next 24 hours - LISTEN DAMMIT! thought i was cute taking my lunch hour to donate blood and going straight back to work and then to a training session. uh-uh. i'm sitting in the chair trying to learning about editing systems and model lines, and i get light-headed. and i start sweating. and i'm feeling crazy. (and my dumb ass is like, 'suck it up teresa! don't mean nothing, not a thing.') finally i just have to excuse myself to the rest room. well, i get out of my chair and semi-stumble to the stall and sit down, feeling like i'm gonna puke or pass out or both. and in the age-old tradition of mankind, what do i do? "oh God! please help me not to pass out in this bathroom! just let me drink some water and be okay - at least through the training session. i'll go back to my desk and eat the lunch i bought just please don't let me pass out!" and i'm thinking if i do black out when i stand up, i could hit my head on this metal shelf or this porcelain bowl and my situation would go from stupid to serious. i drank some water (fromthe faucet in the bathroom - it was that deep) and it sustained me long enough to walk back to the training. i asked the editor if she had anything to drink - i just couldn't take it. she speedily went to get me a soda because i told her i just needed something with sugar in it. well, i made it back to my desk and that buffalo chicken wrap tasted like ambrosia from olypus i swearfo'God! i was off the whole damn night and even this mornig i wasn't too keen. moral of the story: eat a sandwich!

my childhood friend from middle school is getting married this weekend. lives change so fast. i called to invite her to my so-long bbq in lakewood, nj and the chick invites me to the wedding! woah. jay's gonna accompany me. it should be a good time. maybe i'll get some ideas (here's a idea, set a date stupid;+) (j/k). i know its gonna be beautiful. she's all wholesome and stuff. bet anything the reception looks like a scene straight out of the end of The Best Man (except that whole cheating, deception, propose at the end, wake up next to someone you don't know part). i'll only be in jersey for a the weekend, granted i get on this standby on friday - yeah, i pimps x-fares pretty hard....in work related news - i showed my supervisor some of my first rewrites today. she was really impressed. said i really had it down, and if we keep the copy then my name would go on it. that would be fresh, but we plan a year ahead so don't start looking yet.

aside: i must admit, i've always love gradation =+)

what i think is....

pro's:
*it made me think of atlanta
*terrence howard is a pleasure to look at (excepting the conk situation)
*i saw it with my sister
*it did "rags to riches" differently
*some quotables (although the only one i can think of right now is, "you know it's hard out here for a pimp")
*some things were really funny

con's:
*i found some things really funny
*terrence howard had a conk
*luda's role didn't seem to be much of a stretch for him
*who in the hell told them that hiphop originated in the south? (i understand the connects to blues and all that, but to make those relationships, we could say it began with the damn drum. the south has blues, yes. the south and midwest has blues and jazz, yes. but hiphop, though it has spread abroad like brush fire in the desert, started in that great state - say it with me - ny. the bronx or queensbridge, take your pick, but those are the only options.)
*pimp or humanitarian? gives new meaning to "i love dees hoes" (site outkast, stankonia, i think)
*it is never okay to put a baby outside on the curb ( i don't care of he is in a walker, where the hell can he go?)

on race/gender power relationships:
i didn't appreciate that ike-and-tina moment that brought the "soul" out of his bottom bitch, and as far as i'm concerned bottom bitch don't mean you 'down'. it means he steps on you, stupid. blondie did have too much mouth, but here we go reinventing the castrating black woman again. i bet that scene even had some women saying, "good for huh! dat's what she git!" meanwhile me and tasha was like, "but you just put a little kid on the street? what do you mean?" i did appreciate the fact that dee jay's (that's his name, i remember!) high school acquaintence helped him out; he wasn't so black-man-established-and-removed that he ignored him. he had something to gain too. riddle me this? why did it take for lula (was that her name?) to put a little $25, pinstripe from rainbow and all for him to get airplay? "who's in charge?" (what? puh-lease!)what does this suggest? do we not know how to manage our own gifts? i disagree....

the first week, a synopsis

carpooling, new software, creative staff lingo, business lunches, relaxed dress code, etc.... my first week was not bad at all, i must say. in terms of my money situation - God is the best of all planners and u have not because u ask not - so i asked, and i received. that's all i have to say about that. i found out that i can blog from work and oh the strength and discipline it took not to. i swear i must have opened and minimized the screen a good ten times, but i resisted. so, here i am at the library once again. so why didn't you do this after your first day, teresa? i was tired, man. for real.... tasha left early wednesday morning, so we celebrated her birthday tuesday night thru wednesday morning. smashing good fun! a bar and a club and all within walking distance (if u like to walk, that is). she said it was, "her best birthday eva!" - 1 point, teresa. we went to this spot, kabal, that had a reggae, hiphop, dancehall night. free before eleven, so we get there at the eleven. homeboy was carding. we tell him, "she'll be 21 at midnight." this sloppy michelin-man-looking dude goes, "well see you in an hour." (WHAT!?) he couldn't be serious, could he? yes. quite serious, indeed. but we did bust his chops long enough to get her free at 12. could i get in free, since we were together? "no," he says, "it's not your birthday." well damn. that's how we ended up at harry's country club - it's not siddity, that's just the name. felt real grown up, you know? i'm running short on time so this will be "to be continued...." hey teresa, wasn't this entry suppose to be about work? oops!

you know it's hard out here for a pimp....

why have the last two days felt like i was preparing for the first day of school? except even worse because i would be the only kid in my class? couldn't sleep and didn't really. returned the rental and came to a startling realization - it's hard out here for a pimp! (well, not really. i just wanted to say that). but seriously, with no dough to speak of i'm feeling really "grown up" right now. rent due. no ride. new city. no fam. it gets deep, but thankfully i can't really say that i'm on the grind. i'm working, but it's not intense yet. i do realize, after looking at some of the research and resource materials (aka "black people for dummies"), that i am in a significant position to input complexity and the beautiful nuances that make our culture so wonderful - at least i am training to be in that position soon. my colleagues seem really pleasant and my head supervisor is a spelmanite (i feel, i feel alright). my first meeting involved an area of cultural expertise that i do not yet have. i was glad for this because i have somthing to learn and it will keep me on my toes. the other two new-hires i met today were designers. we walked around and listened alot and received alot of paperwork. when i came to my division after lunch i had a desk covered with balloons and decorations and streamers and (you guessed it) cards. i'm glad i met some of these folks at a team get-together on saturday. i knew some names and it took the edge of. mad east coast heads, so i found a translator (ie Hy-Vee? oh, that's like ShopRite). i think i can get to like it here. tasha seems to think i can blow this city-town wide open. i hope i prove her right. shout out to the barracks rat....more to be said later....i saw hustle and flow; that analysis is coming soon....

leaving home and going home (or) not quite lewis and clark, but an expedition nonetheless

(sigh) tasha and i made it safely to kansas city yesterday. rented a car. signed my lease. did some looking around and some necessity shopping (i mean "we need a blanket to sleep on and some soap to clean the apartment" necessity not the "this bag will be gone when the fall line comes in and i can't risk it" necessity). my space is as beautiful as i remember it, and as soon as i can get some pictures up on this blog jon then you'll know exactly what i mean. i am so glad my sister came with me. not only did we want to do this together, i realize that i needed someone with me in the beginning at least. she's really taking the edge off. it is such a cute little city-town. this morning we got up and found the library (thus i am blogging). it's got these giant books outside and the steps are made of concreate books and it's just so darling. i have work on monday, so i'm trying to figure out the pub trans since the rental car's going back on monday. the monsy's kinda slim right now...okay, i'll be frank, my account looks like kate moss but if i can hold out - if i can keep it together til the end of this month (and i just had 4 years of "broke" training, so i should be able to do that) i will be okay. i miss you all so much already. kimberly patrice, your key ring was a most useful gift. and tiona's art was the first piece to go up in the apartment, so shout out to t. my belongings have not arrived yet, so i don't have much else to put up anywhere....i think we came down just in time for pride weekend. there were rainbows and free t-shirts and liquor and outdoor music and all that stuff everywhere. me and tash were like, "oh, hell yeah." it says alot to me if that's going on; it means the community here is at least somewhat forward thinking. maybe we'll find some trouble to get into tonight because we were just too tired after running around yesterday. the phrase that pays, ladies and gentlemen: "free fun!!!!....sorry l, i 4got the paragraphs again - damn.

as the bewitching hour draws nigh

three days left....it's close now. as i prepare to use this opportunity to turn over a new leaf (of sorts), i'm enjoying the last of the sweet grit left on this old one. it is the decay of the old from which the new springs forth anyway. in the face of oncoming responsibility i am care free. safely sensory driven. want to see/hear/smell/touch/taste,taste,taste all that i will be leaving behind. let it seep into my pores. run through my veins. mix with my blood. fill me up until it lifts me off the ground. and while i will be reborn (to a degree) in kc i want to take this with me. this intensity of life and all of its facets; so good that it's teetering on bad but one can't tell cause there's smiling on either side. and why not?.... when will she write again? what will she write when she does? if she does? why wouldn't she? .... was listening to this poet's cd at my homegirls' house yesterday. his name is talaam acey. known him for years - a gifted cat. he spits mostly about sex and social issues. both hot buttons, but very different buttons indeed. and this is his living. poetry and slamming and traveling and performing and writing about that of which he is certain and insecure. tapping into the vulnerability of his audience to cause riots and orgasms - sometimes simultaneously (that's why they call him the good deacon). he mentions in one of his pieces that his messages come from a place much older that him. he is basically a conduit for the ancestors. but aren't we all? we all? we all?....we all are personas that we would never admit to being. something a little darker and shadowy and uninhibited. and if this not you, that's fine. i was speaking in the monarchal plural anyway.... i have to work on this laptop situaiton asap (asap, asap, a....) because things may get really interesting sooner than i think. wait. am i calling on the universe to entertain and enlighten me with peculiar circumstances in a new city? why no! i am just saying that should they occur, i won't be mad ;).... being a little rebel-rouser today, i feel. a little catalyst. a little troublemaker, but good trouble though. good trouble. don't know why. maybe it's the side of the bed i woke up on this mor....afternoon. [aside: is was requested of me to please use paragraphs because i just go on and on and it's hard to read, but i forgot today, so the best i can do right now is different colors. i'll try, but if i break it up, will it be a blog? won't it just be blips?]

until next time....