...'don't you wnna be on top?'...or sorry 8th&ocean...

disclaimer: so, my little closeted fashionista comes out to play. if newbies make it to this blog now for some odd reason, please be advised - i'm not this mean in real life. and if you take my comments seriously...um...yeah... don't. it's suppose to be funny, farcical even. perhaps this is my subconscious, indirect attempt to be picked up by the New Yorker or some mag of equally snobbish caliber as a contracted freelance writer (damn, res, you put yourself on blast like that? yeah, well chalk it up to 'putting it in the universe.') enjoy!

i don't watch much television - correction - in the off season of america's next top model, i don't watch much television. and just when i was nearing my threshold, just when i'd had my fill of whose-bridezilla-wedding-on-a-budget-in-disneyland-is-it-anyway? and couldn't watch one more rerun of style channel's "allure's top 10 tips for the spring/summer", tyra and the gang returned just in time. with the approaching spring, i awaken from my tv hibernation to fully engage the long awaited, highly anticipated, never duplicated - sorry 8th&Ocean - America's Next Top Model, Cycle 6 (not to be confused with a 'season', that's so last...uh...season?). i will admit, i indulge in this show. it's an hour of beautiful women (and i generalize, as that is totally subjective) wearing great fashion in breath-taking locations; it is my aesthetic fix of choice. so, of course i'm all eyes and ears as we meet a brand new group of girls who all - you guessed it - wanna be on top.

let me begin by saying that anyone eliminated in the first episode should not be crying. there's no fall from grace for you, as there has been no ascension. there was no taste of the 'good life' left on your palette, as you did not make it to the banquet. there's no agony of having a whiff of sweet victory and then being defeated, as there is no competition even in the oven yet! if you're serious about modeling, then you will continue. if you only came this far because you happened to get chosen, then save the croc tears for a water shortage. it's not even like you lost money on plane fare, c'mon! don't make this the single, most saddest day of your life because for everyone else - it was just a wednesday. but on to the ladies who live in the house that top model built...

i lied. i must digress for a moment if only to acknowledge dani. this "uber-conservative" will be remembered in antm history for having a tolerance as long as... her successful stint on the show. thank you dani, go with God. anyway, who do i already remember? nenna - a striking nigerian beauty who can be thoroughly described in one word, "regal." then there's brooke. i'm partial to this hippie chick because she reminds me of my favorite alternative, angsty songstress fiona apple. brooke's "a little dirt won't hurt" appeal makes her interesting; not a mainstream pretty, but there's something in her face that could transform a fashion fan's observation into an artistic experience. molly sue's country cute name is as attention-getting as her awesome red hair. unless they change her color during the make-over, i expect to see her in a lot of green. speaking of green, miss jade seems jaded that she hasn't been discovered already - well damn, tyra, get it together will ya! "...i mean, when i walk down the street, people turn around to look at me like 'damn...'" well, jade, to know that people are looking, you'd have to turn around too, wouldn't you? what are YOU looking at jade? hmm... this one reminds me of the girl from last season who bragged on coming from a beautiful family - you might remember her as "Ashley"; i remeber her as one of the first to go. if her commandeering of the microphone at their mock press conference is any indication of what is to come, jade's about to be a handful, and i don't just mean when it's time to put her hair up. then there's furonda; i like her. she's got great eyes, almost alien-esque but they could be a very strong asset. kari is pretty in an anime kind of way; she'd got a lot of jaw and very little forehead. maybe she can find a way to balance it out. joanie's got maxim magazine appeal. that's all on her for now. kathy's the most geechey-ass victorian beauty i've ever heard and seen. i don't know whether to place her in an oil painting or on the back of a faded red pick-up. wendy's beautiful and has quite a story behind her arrival. i hope she makes it far, but sad eyes will sell photographs, wendy, not clothes. i can't really remember anything distinctive about the others right now. good thing i'm not a judge - that wouldn't be a good look...

well tyra, 6 seas..uh...cycles strong. you've got a real winner. young ladies watch this show, their selfesteem drops into their toes and then you have guests for your talk show! well done (just playin'!)