for a visit... (or) through the looking glass...

i am excited - maybe anxious is a better word. tomorrow morning i'll be on my way to jersey to see fam and friends. i don't know what i expect to be different. i don't know what i suspect has changed, but i get the feeling it's something...something. well, jersey city is always different and changing. new restaurants and bars and hotels and condo communities and yuppies as far as the eye can see. downtown anyway, i don't think they have the gall to invade on the hill yet. but it's not just that; i am returning as a self-sufficent, adult woman visiting the homes of her parents and other loved ones (woah. that's heavy). how has so much changed so quickly? so many things have occured that i could not have predicted and would not have believed, had i been informed of them this time one year ago. i'm thinking about my future now (beyond what i'll have for dinner) and career plans (what the hell?) and owning property (huh?) and retirment plans out of the country (oh, boy!). i'm still dreaming; i'm just adjusting the dials so the picture comes in clearer. i wonder if anyone's expecting anything of me?...damn girl, chill out - it's only been, what 4 or 5 months? silly me.

in other news
though this is only the first project, i am working as a (ready for this?) freelance writer... i mean, i think? i've been approached to work on an animated series project. i'm so psyched! the animator is so cool and she found out about me through a co-worker. she explained what she wanted, and then she told me to give her a price! so of course i have no idea and told her we could discuss that after she saw the product. but if it gets picked up and she keeps me on as a writer, how fresh would that be? and she's like, "even if we don't use it, you can keep it for your portfolio." oh! a portfolio! guess i should really get my act together and create one of those?! way to be prepared and professional teresa - DOH! (in my best homer simpson impression, which i must admit isn't that good).
I'm going in the studio while i'm home too. some of my homies want to record a demo/mixtape-type-joint. it will be an experience; i've never recorded before (not in a studio anyway). plus, i'm type rusty. i'll get the tracks and less than two days later we're recording. now they've had the music for a minute, so that's an advantage. i just hope i churn out something i approve of - i have high expectations for myself, regardless of the fact that emceeing is not my occupation. can't be wack. just can't be wack. i'd be doing lyte, la, s-n-p, grae, et. al. a grave injustice if i come wack. not to mention, i refuse to accept accolades for a sub par performance because i'm a 'girl'. so i have things to do, but i'm definitely going to rest while i'm home too...

man, so this is life, huh? or something like it? it's a strange sensation when we both live life and are aware of the living we are doing. a simultaneous plot sequence and commentary. add to that a multiple time perspectives (ie would i have done this so long ago? how will i handle it now? what will i think of my decision looking back?). no wonder it takes me upwards of five minutes just to stop thinking. mental momentum is quite a force. it's knocked me off a few curbs in my time, and it will probably only get stronger.

"sticky"...(or) i think it has song potential...(or) maybe i'm just tired of the cold...

again, this is only a draft. i've experimented with punctuation and stanza breaks (neither of which do i really need to bother with in performance). line breaks were pretty much a no-brainer since i followed a rhyme scheme (though tattered and torn it may be). this piece followed my purchase of "extraordinary machine", and i hope the influence, if detected at all, is more like inspiration and less like mimicry. an interesting tidbit - i think this piece came from the affinity i had/have for the phrase "honeyed words." who knew it would take me where it has? i must admit, though, i miss being taken advantage of by the muses ;+). enjoy...tmL

Life was bitter 'til he came with honeyed words
Buzzed persistently, though I spat vinegar.
He kept buzzing his honeyed words inside my ear,
droning on and on unitl love blossomed here.
Heart hid within the tree of me, I let him in;
We nested there and soon life became sweet again.

But time built up like wax, and it was closing in
So inadvertently I started swatting him.
Vinegar could never keep a honey bee
He felt choked, provoked--
to retaliate
started stinging me.
I swat, he stung so long - thought pain was commonplace
We selfishly were saving heart and saving face.
Compelled by history, we longed to sow it still
Love had once been sweet and once again it will.

So we fought against the winter, though it began to snow
A chill had settled in our nest and wouldn't go.
Our hearts may still be warm, but our lips were numb,
and only a matter of time until the bears would come.
Prayed, nightly, that we'd have the strength to fend them off
and to save our happiness, but at what cost?
Will it cost the honey we have stored with care?--
Precious care?
To save our life, should we forfeit it to the bears?

Without our reserves, what will happen then?
Will we have the enrgy to begin again?
My love, our flowered past is such a pretty thing,
but will it be enough to last until the spring?

so perhaps it's not 'vintage T.L.' (as i've been told i have. imagine that? have i really been writing long enough to have throwbacks? that's kinda fresh.) more concretes used abstractly. i have no ambitions for its desired effect; here's just hoping i revise this one into a "final piece."

c'est...l'amour....

i watch it now, and it's a little cheesy. "say baby, can i be your slave?" black poetry-laden intellectuals definitely exist, but they don't wear black, white and denim everyday. they are not all authors or photographers; don't all drive motorcycles; don't all live in chicago...etc. but love jones was worth its weight in film if for no other reason than the quotables (and this too, may be an opinion that i only share with myself). i saw that movie when it came out in the theaters. i was in seventh grade (damn). so young, in fact, that i didn't even understand bill bellamy's anatomy joke about God being a woman (that young). yet, here i am so many years later - still able to reference this movie and apply dialogue (whether seriously or not is a different question) to real life.

DARIUS: "...so when people say the romance is dead, what they're really saying is they've exhausted the possibility."

SAVON: "everybody runnin' around here. running, hopping, skipping, jumping, falling in love and shit. falling in love ain't shit! somebody please, talk to me about how to stay there!"

EDDIE: "physics this shit ain't...all of it love, romance, passion. it is what it is...love is what you make and with whom you make it."

what can i say? there may be no wrong answers.

happy birthday M&M!

on this day in 1991, my mother brought forth another addition to our clan, Mark Allen, and on this day in 1992 - she did it again with MeLissa JoAnn. today they turn 13 and 14 years old. i fed, burped, changed, bathed, etc these cute little babies. and as they grew i advised, chastised, encouraged, helped, mocked, etc the very same crumb-snatchers. today, they are both taller than me and continue growing into their own distinct persons. when i call, we talk about grades and football and high school and college and girl/boyfriends (Lord keep me!). they are not who terrence, tasha and i were at that age; they are totally different people and i already acknowledge that they have at least one foot in a generation that i preceeded. soon i'll be asking them the latest dances and trends (even if it's just to poke fun;+). i hope to be someone they come to for/about anything. not that they haven't been imaginative thus far, but their lives are about to get really interesting. i wish to share a couple of quirky/ embarassing stories in their honor:

when mark was younger, he (like the rest of us) fell under the spell of my mother's classic soul/ motown addiction. he watched the temptations movie almost everyday for a period of time and knew ALL of the choreography. he would ask us to watch him and meLissa perform in the middle of the livingroom or kitchen floor (depending on which was cleaner or had more space at the time). i sometimes think his taste in "church clothes" is still influenced by the costumes of those crooners of yore. love you mark!

this is not all on meLissa. so many things come in three's. the blind mice, the little pigs, the chimpmunks, destiny's child (the last two versions)the powerpuff girls. meLissa, tasha and i immediately laid claim to this tiny girl-power trio as our animated selves. i was blossom (commander and the leader). meLissa was bubbles (the joy and the laughter). tasha was buttercup (the toughest fighter). since the personalities were already eerily fitting, we proceeded to appropriate the colors; meLissa decided to take it a step further with the names. she already wore blue everyday (school uniform) and besides singing the theme song all the time, she actually went for awhile only responding to "bubbles" and calling tasha and myself only by the names of "buttercup" and "blossom." she's into different things now (namely pharrel and cheering), but we're still the three.

as soon as time and money permits, i'll be bringing them both to the AUC. no pressure, but i'm saying ;+)....

purple dreams

got the big boi joint, "got purp vol. II", courtesy of the family visit (thanks dad). besides kryptonite whenever i feel like it and "me, my baby and my cadillac" - a fast favorite, i've found even more gifts in this compilation. two of those gifts are named scar and janelle monae. not only do their two tracks apiece contribute 4 of the hottest songs on the LP, they transport me back and propel me forward. it trips me out to think about seeing/hearing them at house parties and campus performances, and now to witness them in their wonderful success. i cannot wait for their solo projects to drop (mb's my witness, we've been waiting for scar's joint since this ill-ass soiree that is still etched in my mind as one of my (few) quintessential-neosoul-grown&sexy auc experiences). it's such a testament to dreams, and it couldn't have come at a better time - when i'd become so preoccupied with my inaccurate perception of 'real life' that it kept me from doing all the dreaming that i should. i listen to them and i think about their amazing talents and their determination. then i think about all the great dreamer/doers i know: them (scar and janelle), the filmmaker, the stylist, the emcee - and i think to myself, "why not?" especially if we all stay grounded, the world can be full of superstars. ***shout to pam. don't know if you've heard the album yet, but upon first listen something about track 20 reminds me of you. don't quite know what it is.*** amen.

magic and maintenance (or) butterflies again (to bravo)...

anything worth having is worth working for. love's labor - hard work. falling in love takes little to no effort (a curb and gravity at most); staying there can be a herculean task at times, but not impossible. and there is nothing meneal about this manual labor. in fact, it's quite remarkable - magical even. maybe that's hard to believe because we (people) are capable of love and sometimes we don't want to give ourselves that much credit. but it's magic - IT IS MAGIC (you are magic). think about it. something that can make us get over pride and humble/check/fix/kick/acknowledge/love ourselves? what else can it be? i'm not even talking about the romantic side of it; i'm talking about knees in the dirt, short of breathe, callouses from holding on so tight kind of love. i'm talking about building bridges to avoid that galaxy of distance when you pass each other in the hallway, that bridge that lets you snuggle up next to someone who's half way across the world (sound familiar?). it's an energy that can only be achieved/ maintained/ defined as a provision from the Creator. such an energy's essence is expansive, able to grow so large that it can take one in entirely...i have no idea where i'm going with this, which is to be expected since i had no endpoint in mind when i started. guess what i'm trying to say is --
speak to me of love...
love is not so much magic
as it is maintenance
the determination of two
to practice continual bliss--
starting today is too late
for love began yesterday
in a place far away
where the stars play
and blow bubbles in their milk-
y way...
if you can imagine it, i can imagine too. amen.

"oh the weather outside is frightful" (or) welcome, autumn...winter!

running late for work. walked half-way in the rain. splashed by a bus - straight sitcom style (like i backed away from the curb, but it wasn't far enough). luckily wearing all black. really looking like a new yorker this morning. get to the office for a staff breakfast meeting (luckily i'm on time). after the meeting, i come back to my desk to work, and my supervisor comes over to me to tell me IT'S SNOWING!!! first snow of the season, and thanksgiving's not even here! no chance of it sticking because it rained last night, but i just went to a window to look. sure enough! there are big ol' flakes floating down all over the place! i have't seen real snow in about four years, so i feel like such a child for being so excited. but i don't care. the time for teas and coffees and hot chocolates (with halal marshmallows) are here! (i'm doing a dance - metaphorically of course. come on people, this is a place of business!). i hope it snows while my family is here; tasha and i will act like complete goofs. nature is so magnificent! no matter what happens from here on out, my day is made.

nigga what? nigga who?!?

the animation is great. the plot is pervasive. the characters are funny as all hell. and if you've followed the boondocks and consider yourself a fan, then you were probably as excited as i was to hear that the show was premiering on adult swim last sunday night. it has an 11pm time slot, but so what? adult swim is renown for risque, teetering on the edge, "cartoons shouldn't do that!" animated programming. a reputation that will keep people awake late enough to see their favorite shows. when fox dropped the show, i was pissed, but i felt like fox wouldn't be able to handle it anyway. they wouldn't have given aaron the freedom to give huey and the crew proper treatment. so, adult swim saved the day; they took the show and gave mcgruder artistic freedom, but at what cost? the first episode, "garden party" did a good job of introducing huey and riley. you get a very clear idea of their foil characteristics, which will be very important to the hilarious tete-a-ignorance that unfolds in their relationship. but if nigga was used ONE MORE TIME in that episode, i might have started thinking that dw griffith was an associate writer! i make no claims to know the thoughts of man; i can only conjucture and give the benefit of the doubt. so perhaps aaron is trying to stay true to his characters or make the "majority" viewers of the program uncomfortable. fine. maybe he trying to oversaturate the show with the word, so people will get tired of it (although i gotta say, aaron, if it hasn't gotten old in centuries the boondocks's attempt probably won't even make a dent - damn i'd love to be wrong about that!). you, know, some bamboozled-esque parody of sorts. my fear? it will be misinterpretted like bamboozled, and we all know how that ends. perhaps the characters were intended to talk this way, and mcgruder had to change it up a bit to get print syndication. i don't know. i think if it was only coming from riley, i would be fine because that's who riley is. the poor mainstream, commercial rap monger. but i heard it so much that after a minute i couldn't even tell who/ where it was coming from. furthermore, the comment by the young woman sitting in the back rubbed me the wrong way. she turns to the woman sitting across from her and says, "i think it's okay when they say it." she makes this statement admists a server-gone-pyscho and an all white audience clapping intermittently through huey's exasperated tirade. i'm going to watch this sunday because the content is valid and funny, but i hope this nigga thing is addressed and soon. we have enough vernacular in our vocabulary (and creating it all the time) to find adequate substitues. come on, if huey had watched that episode, what would he say?

snippets...

Homecoming: an alumna's ecstacy - a whirlwind of nostalgia, familiar faces and amazing hugs. though i did not see all whom i wished.

Ramadan: it is drawing to a close and has been a beautiful experience to say the very least, Alhumdulillah.

Work: still liking/loving it.

Near future: some of the fam is coming for Thanksgiving

All Else: want to say more, but i'm soooo tired!

mood: content but groggy

music: extraordinary machine. got that new fiona apple (she's kinda adams family wit hers, but it's fire!)

just an old sweet song...

i can't wait 4 homecoming. is it too HBCU alumna of me to be excited? i think about how it's only been a few months but how drastically different things are from this time last year. man, if somebody would have told me where i'd be, i would have (smiled sarcastically and) called them a liar. my stay will be short, but jam packed as i find as many as i can to "reminisce on the love [of spelman] we had [and have]." yeah, it's true. i turned into one of those alumna-advocates, but i'm not on some ol' if my daughter wants to go anywhere else, she'll have to pay for it nonsense. it sucks that i get in so late because i won't be able to visit the professors that i want to see (planting seeds for my position in the english department, nah mean?). they were/ are such inspiring people...really amazing...i kinda want to tell them thank you for really seeing me when i was really janky that time,but see? i turned out alright? i did it! interestingly enough (or not so interesting, depending on who you are i guess), this will probably be the most homecoming activity i've participated in the past four years! ha! but MY homecoming is not campus - or even AUC - exclusive. my 4 years in atlanta were so much more than that. some of the illest i know never even went to spelman, so i'm trying to holla at everyones, everyones... i also have some new spelman sisters to peep when i get there, a couple of wonderful young ladies i met over the summer. ah! though this is probably the last trip i'll make this year, life is good. i'll be left to face kc from the end of october until at least january, but i plan to take enough pictures to keep me sane. i'm not gonna start naming names because i'm bound to forget someone, but i can't wait to see all of you (i must be serious. i rarely use direct address on this thing). and the ones who think i may have forgotten you ('cause i always think somebody's going to forget me), i haven't and i can't wait to see you too. for the many splendiferous persons whom i will not see during this brief georgia spell, i look forward to our next encounter no less. i have been very blessed so far in this life. know how the song says, "my soul look back and wonder, how i got over?" well, this weekend, the rest of me gets to (literally) look back and wonder too!

oh God, forever bind
our hearts to thine...

behind the poem or that's not my name

so, last week at work was dedicated to celebrating and recognizing the creative force within the company. that's right, the word people. i attended a few events, as they were during the middle of my work day. two of which were a poetry circle and workshop. those who attended the poetry circle were primarily "writers" and i was the only "assoc. editor" there. some eyebrows raised; including my own because it was one of the first times (in a very long time) where i was in a space where it was not UNDERSTOOD that i was a writer. i felt like mos def's mr. nigga (they lips curl up into a tight space/ She [they]don't believe that I'm in the right place). then, by happenstance, i made it into a previously booked poetry workshop (some people dropped out) for which i had written no material because, orginally, there was not room for me. the prompt was to take two dissimilar things, outside of yourself, and write about them, drawing a relationship or connection between the two. well, i had less than two days, and since none of my existing poetry spoke to this particular topic, i found myself at my desk 30 minutes before i was to email my submission to the coordinator, writing "double dutch". i originally called it "dutch romance" - big mistake. nobody got it until i said, "well, the 2 dissimilar things i attempted to link were double dutch and a relationship." "OOOHHH!!!!" said everyone (except for the few who needed further explanation that double dutch was a game of jumping rope, oy vey!). it yielded little to no dicussion, and all the facilitator had to say was, "i think we need more." yeah, i was beat for a little while. there was one another Black woman there - a writer; she said to me on the elevator when we were leaving, "i was saying to myself 'something about it sounds like jump rope.'" and i think to myself, yeah sis, i know you heard me. i overly racialized the situation for a minute. thought back to my pivotal workshop with Nikky Finney and how this was nothing like that, but after i was cool on it i accepted the criticism. these were all very good writers, some of them eve great, one of them an actual laureate. and i didn't walk into the room 4 steps after a reputation that beat me there. so this is what it's like for a writer to hit a reader cold. perhaps this was the difference between creating in craft and creating in spirit (is that too far fetched of me?). there is much i can gain from these craftsmen. they may not be spoken wordsmiths, but they are in the guild. at the very least/ best it made me write. and for that i am thankful. i flashed back to "the negro artist and the racial mountain;" well langston, being a black poet suites me just fine and i don't perceive that as a demotion.

the first draft ...a long time coming..."Double Dutch"

smooth, balanced and clean
at first they fit togther
so connected that it was hard to tell
where one stopped and the other began

floating on air
swaying to perpetual song
stepping lively
rhythm lovely
this tango of nicks and scrapes
still a beautiful dance

picked up the pace... who skipped a beat?

try to adjust the tempo
try to get it back, but
tripped up by a stone
rhythm blown
tango turns
break / dance

their go is over
who's next?

(the story behind this is coming later)

the graduate

spelmanite identifier #004:

you see absolutely nothing wrong with 'imma-need' being one word

- brought to you by an editor (isn't that scary?).

remember the time (or) aquemini reminisces

when you haven't heard from a person or seen them in years, but out of the blue something they've said comes to you - verbatim - as clearly as if they are speaking, i think it's safe to say theay've had an impact. the summer of my junior year in high school was so fresh it was surreal, and my homegirl can attest that we sometimes still think we just had the same dream....jomo and bro natural were two poets from brooklyn who performed solo and together - both ways equally as potent. one of their first pieces i ever hear was called "the ghetto is," where they used such memorable lines as: 1. " [the ghetto is] when mama made cornbread for a meal complete, wit' no milk, no eggs - just water and heat", " when hand-me-downs got handed back up, we drank sugarless kool-aid from margarine cups", "the ghetto is: 2 parts poverty, 2 parts black... and still producing flavor!"...chances are they'll never read this, but i wanted to share it anyway and give them a shout-out....indigo's a witness, those were good times...

...from where you come from

thank you spelman, for shifting my perspective. sometime last week, i had tea with a co-worker. she's a cool enough girl. we were talking and for one reason or another she mentioned a friend from college whom she never told she had a crush. said he was south african and she loved his accent and he was soooo cute. i'm like, okay, she diverse wit hers - that's cool. she starts runnin' it down like, "tall, dark, dirty blonde hair, bright blue eyes.".... i don't think we're in atlanta anymore, toto. it's a different world, for real. but i was glad that i automatically thought a black man. i'm glad i put we in the center. of course in retrospect i cannot be upset ( i can be annoyed, of course) because we have african descend everybody else. i remember an entire summer program dedicated to the study of the black british in london. it just caught me off guard.

i been picking up wedding planning guides and magazines and books and whatnot. (publishers get over like fat rats, man. one bridal magazine - ten dollars. needless to say i just read them at the library). i told my immediate family and trying to pull together my artistic resources. this is about to be design on a dime fo' real, but it will be fly nonetheless (that's the plan). i'm probably gonna bug jay like hell (no pun intended) before it's all over, but he's a trooper (again, none intended). the teeny pomp and tiny circumstance, i realize, is not the most important thing. what happens when the smoke clears is the real stuff, but i don't play dress up often so i think i'll indulge myself this time.

went to my first opera on friday (opera house within walking distance + free tickets from a co-worker who couldn't go = one fabulously free night out). it was almost as good as it was long. in french. a fairly mixed cast. great music, and not to take anything away from the leading lady (who did a very good job) but Dorothy Dandridge will forever be the quintessential CARMEN in my mind's eye....after the show, an acquaintance and i checked out this spot called "balanca's and balanca's pyro room." (guess i was feeling adventurous?) it was a little too smoky and too local for my taste; honestly, if the people inside weren't drinking/drunk, they wouldn't have been enjoying themselves either. and there was a five dollar cover ($5 more than i would usually spend), but there was value in it. before, when i would pass this spot walking home from work i would never go in -now, i know why.

i am soooo in love with lizz wright right now. her album, "dreaming wide awake" (i'm not sure if it's the latest one), is in heavy rotation in my space like no other. i described her sound on this album to a friend saying, "it's like norah jones meets anita baker," which i stand by but she's distinctly her own artist, without a doubt. i share this at the risk of being the only one who didn't know, but i got to cause she's so serious. here's just a whiff: "wake up, wake up little sparrow/ don't make your home out in the snow/ don't make your home out in the snow// little bird, don't you know? your friends flew south many months ago." now imagine an alto tone dipped in honey with acoustic guitar in the back....yep.

in honor of the shooter's return, i'mma close this livejournal like -

mood: pleased
music: "dreaming wide awake" [in my head, of course, this is a library you know]

it's been a long time, i shouldn't'a left you...

i didn't intend to go this long without checking in, but hey things happen. so let's see, what's been goin's'on: to quote whatever sports network says this, jay's visit was "the best week ever!"...i made a month on the job on september 8th - yes time does indeed fly. i'm finding a rhythm and getting comfortable. i think spelman and delta would be proud...bought my first piece(s) of furniture for the apartment. no, that was not supposed to happen this early in the plan, but they were used and a great deal (4 bar stools for less than one may cost). yeah, bar stools. grown-ass-woman-much?...hung out with a spelman sister last weekend (c/o '95). it was real cool; her boyfriend's a bruh (excellent)... went to a few clubs. it's not the atl or the jc/ny nightlife, but i'll keep looking... the flood took me by storm (honestly, no pun intended), as i'm sure it did everyone else. yet, i am so glad about the response in our community; it's unfortunate that it took for the others to turn their backs. the true test will be a year or so from now. it's like any other catastrophe. everyone shows up in the beginning, but you really need people around when something else is big news and you're still in devastation (i'll dedicate more to that later)... oh sisterfire! i nearly wept at the flyer. so bitter sweet, to have been a part and yet a part no longer. i wish i could reach out and touch it. i didn't cry at graduation, and i didn't cry very much throughout. but i tell you true, walking passed the women's center one summer afternoon, peering through the glass and for the first time perceiving those windows as a partition, something separating me instead of protecting and holding me inside - that was emotional...

so, being engaged is something that i have grown comfortable with, but something happened during that "best week ever!" that got us to talking a dates and moving forward (GULP). i'm excited, don't get me wrong; there's just something about having a date - seeing an end point - that makes things so much more real and it makes me so nervous. (in the best kind of way, but nervous nonetheless). jay has to move. where's the money for this coming from? where will it be? can all of the beautiful people who i want to witness this special occassion attend? can i really pull this off in less than a year? should i be worrying about bigger things than this (globally speaking)? i'm not going to worry myself prematurely. to top it all off, after this talk began, i suddenly started seeing all of this stuff like wedding episodes of sitcoms and this show called "bridezilla." do you believe that people put all of their wedding drama on television? lookin' crazy! i'm not beat about too many things, so i won't start now (okay ya'll, so help me hold to that statement)

brown silk and amber sunsets (or) hey now, hey now, my boyfriend's back

okay, so jay's my fiance and he can't really be back if he's never left, if he's never been here to leave. but the bottom line is that he's here now - for the week that is. and in between clownin' on kansas city (and how on a sunday afternoon it looks like the set of the next steven king novel-turn-movie) we're having a really good time. God is the best of all planners. i was soooo beat when i missed celena's wedding. just tired and sad and all around not at my best, but when he said he would come kick it for a week it really turned the whole thing around. i still owe homegirl the fresh wedding gift, but i ended up with a present too! (sweet.) it's interesting having him in my space; even more interesting than at graduation because at that time i had a roommate and lots if plans and family and friends coming in and classes were finished. now, it's just me ((one is the magic number) out of context jill scott experience. we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog) and we spend the evenings together, but in the morning i'm up and out to work. practically every time before this that we've spent together was vacation, so now it almost feels like a vacation everyday when i get home (please, no "aw's", i'm trying to be descriptive here not sentimental). most people here drive, so when we walk to....every-damn-where i'm thinking to myself, "we are probably the most eccentric pair most of these people have ever seen." we're not doing anything extravagant just dinner and watching some tv (i have televesion now, by the by) and going for walks and talking. real living together type stuff. it feels dejavu-ish-ly comfortable. we're both leaving on saturday morning - he back to jersey, and i'm off to dc to visit my spelmanite homie. damn, we just spent 4 years together, you'd think enough was enough, right? but can you ever have too much of a good thing? until someone can give me scientific proof of the negative, i will be visiting all ya'll folks until you tell me point blank, "honey, i love you. get out." ;+) ....let's break this off livejournal style -

mood: content
music: Lyzel in E flat

the terminal, an airport requiem in three parts

the following is a paraphrased a excerpt from the author's hand-written journal. viewer discretion is advised

26 August 2005 ~ 3:23pm

i'm on the first leg of my weekend journey. this means that i at least have a leg to stand on. praying on the shuttle like, "oh please God let there be space...I'll try really hard to behave." so, now just my end of the bargain left....when i looked online b4 i left work, the airtran site said "no seats available." my stomach was tight all the way from the westin (crown center) to the time i had the boarding pass in my hand. The nice lady at the ticket booth said i have to double check the status in atl. i'll be tense all over again. i hope to pass the time in atlanta with a few friendly faces at the west end mall or something. perhaps i will get a pedicure to pass the time - in true spelmanite fashion (what?! i have to go to a wedding. can't look janky!)

26 August 2005 ~ 10:20pm
i'm on the second leg of my journey now, and quite frankly, the gate attendant just bust me in the knee cap with a billy club. one told me i had a seat. another called me back up about four minutes later and took my boarding pass and put it in the trash. (said they were overbooked.) i want so badly to get on. i don't know what to do....God is able....i'm not giving up....she sounds vehement, so determined not to let anyone on!....it's killing me!....trying not to cry (while they're boarding)....please oh Lord, no more stand by this entire year! please make it so i can get on!....i walked onto the plane. i saw the seats! two of them were inoperative! (SHIT!) i'm going to the restroom, and i'm going to cry. then i'll figure what to do.

27 August 2005 ~ 1:00pm
and Allah is the best of all planners. i am on the third (and probably the final) leg of my weekend journay. crashed at byrd's house last night. slept late, but it appears that i will make the 2:40pm flight back home. What? (in the most sarcastic tone of life) a flight to kansas city that isn't full, go figure?!? i regretfully texted celena and told her i would not make it (sniff, sniff). but my prematurely purchased return ticket will not go to waste. jay is going to use it to come visit me =+). granted this is much sooner than either of us planned for him to be in kc, but something had to come of this episode. he had to pay a fee to change the ticket over, but he's coming. it's not my friend's wedding, but it's one hell of a consolation prize. i haven't told him about the lay over in atlanta yet (eek!); it's a few hours. i hope he's not pissed by the time he actually gets here.

the graduate

spelmanite identifier #515:

when in a discussion with colleagues about lunch, you refer to your company's dining area as "the cafe"

- true story.

retrospective introspection & red letter day & the wedding singer

prelude:

TWIN1: hey self! i figured out how we can account for missed blogging opportunities during the week.

TWIN2: smashing! how can we do that? especially since we do not want to blog at work.

TWIN1: right-o, but if you do recall, the posting page allows for us to set the date and time, so we can post the events of anyday and set it to the date that those events actually happened.

TWIN2: brilliant! but...

TWIN1: but what? you've already said brilliant; you can't take it back.

TWIN2: well, we can barely type as it is, so won't we end up at the monitor forever trying to post multiple entries at once, especially considering how lengthy you tend to be.

TWIN1: are you calling me long-winded? because i'll have you know that brevity is the soul of wit and...

TWIN2: you were never very witty either.

TWIN1: well, what do you propose?

TWIN2: snippets. like news briefs, and we can use gradation to show a different day through a different color - instead of using the date.

TWIN1: good. i hate dates, time is so relative. fine, we'll try it your way.

it's funny, kind of. when i still identified as 'christian' i was told i would make a good 'muslim'. now that i identify as 'muslim' i don't know if i feel like a very good one....talked about it for a long time, and i got off the phone feeling kinda shi...not too good. why aren't i trying my hardest? at the same time, i do feel like i have the basics down. for as long as i can remember i've had the basics down. know that there's a God and love that God. treat people as reflections of that God (myself included). i know there are some particulars that i need to work out, and let's face it some of those are pretty big, but i do not feel that i am a bad person to any substantive degree (granted this is all subjective)....if only that were enough. i have to start making moves towards a little more, even if those movements are not visible on the outside. that doesn't matter to me. mbongi and i use to talk all the time about truth and finding it and searching for it, and we were afraid that we might neglect the truth for the sake of the search. we could potentially be forever uncertain, right? but i would say, "regardless of what God's name is and where i find God and how long i search, at least for sure God's knows i'm trying." now that i'm not so much searching as settling in and connecting, can i even say the same? was it the fear of dying in limbo that made me sincere? does God feel like i'm trying now? do i?

donated blood at work today. i always feel good when i do that, even though i still get a little pensive around the needle work (and i was thinking about a tatoo, imagine!). didn't eat breakfast. ran out on lunch. drank a little bit, but not much. for the record, when those nice red cross people tell you to eat and drink lots of fluids and chill out for the next 24 hours - LISTEN DAMMIT! thought i was cute taking my lunch hour to donate blood and going straight back to work and then to a training session. uh-uh. i'm sitting in the chair trying to learning about editing systems and model lines, and i get light-headed. and i start sweating. and i'm feeling crazy. (and my dumb ass is like, 'suck it up teresa! don't mean nothing, not a thing.') finally i just have to excuse myself to the rest room. well, i get out of my chair and semi-stumble to the stall and sit down, feeling like i'm gonna puke or pass out or both. and in the age-old tradition of mankind, what do i do? "oh God! please help me not to pass out in this bathroom! just let me drink some water and be okay - at least through the training session. i'll go back to my desk and eat the lunch i bought just please don't let me pass out!" and i'm thinking if i do black out when i stand up, i could hit my head on this metal shelf or this porcelain bowl and my situation would go from stupid to serious. i drank some water (fromthe faucet in the bathroom - it was that deep) and it sustained me long enough to walk back to the training. i asked the editor if she had anything to drink - i just couldn't take it. she speedily went to get me a soda because i told her i just needed something with sugar in it. well, i made it back to my desk and that buffalo chicken wrap tasted like ambrosia from olypus i swearfo'God! i was off the whole damn night and even this mornig i wasn't too keen. moral of the story: eat a sandwich!

my childhood friend from middle school is getting married this weekend. lives change so fast. i called to invite her to my so-long bbq in lakewood, nj and the chick invites me to the wedding! woah. jay's gonna accompany me. it should be a good time. maybe i'll get some ideas (here's a idea, set a date stupid;+) (j/k). i know its gonna be beautiful. she's all wholesome and stuff. bet anything the reception looks like a scene straight out of the end of The Best Man (except that whole cheating, deception, propose at the end, wake up next to someone you don't know part). i'll only be in jersey for a the weekend, granted i get on this standby on friday - yeah, i pimps x-fares pretty hard....in work related news - i showed my supervisor some of my first rewrites today. she was really impressed. said i really had it down, and if we keep the copy then my name would go on it. that would be fresh, but we plan a year ahead so don't start looking yet.

aside: i must admit, i've always love gradation =+)

what i think is....

pro's:
*it made me think of atlanta
*terrence howard is a pleasure to look at (excepting the conk situation)
*i saw it with my sister
*it did "rags to riches" differently
*some quotables (although the only one i can think of right now is, "you know it's hard out here for a pimp")
*some things were really funny

con's:
*i found some things really funny
*terrence howard had a conk
*luda's role didn't seem to be much of a stretch for him
*who in the hell told them that hiphop originated in the south? (i understand the connects to blues and all that, but to make those relationships, we could say it began with the damn drum. the south has blues, yes. the south and midwest has blues and jazz, yes. but hiphop, though it has spread abroad like brush fire in the desert, started in that great state - say it with me - ny. the bronx or queensbridge, take your pick, but those are the only options.)
*pimp or humanitarian? gives new meaning to "i love dees hoes" (site outkast, stankonia, i think)
*it is never okay to put a baby outside on the curb ( i don't care of he is in a walker, where the hell can he go?)

on race/gender power relationships:
i didn't appreciate that ike-and-tina moment that brought the "soul" out of his bottom bitch, and as far as i'm concerned bottom bitch don't mean you 'down'. it means he steps on you, stupid. blondie did have too much mouth, but here we go reinventing the castrating black woman again. i bet that scene even had some women saying, "good for huh! dat's what she git!" meanwhile me and tasha was like, "but you just put a little kid on the street? what do you mean?" i did appreciate the fact that dee jay's (that's his name, i remember!) high school acquaintence helped him out; he wasn't so black-man-established-and-removed that he ignored him. he had something to gain too. riddle me this? why did it take for lula (was that her name?) to put a little $25, pinstripe from rainbow and all for him to get airplay? "who's in charge?" (what? puh-lease!)what does this suggest? do we not know how to manage our own gifts? i disagree....

the first week, a synopsis

carpooling, new software, creative staff lingo, business lunches, relaxed dress code, etc.... my first week was not bad at all, i must say. in terms of my money situation - God is the best of all planners and u have not because u ask not - so i asked, and i received. that's all i have to say about that. i found out that i can blog from work and oh the strength and discipline it took not to. i swear i must have opened and minimized the screen a good ten times, but i resisted. so, here i am at the library once again. so why didn't you do this after your first day, teresa? i was tired, man. for real.... tasha left early wednesday morning, so we celebrated her birthday tuesday night thru wednesday morning. smashing good fun! a bar and a club and all within walking distance (if u like to walk, that is). she said it was, "her best birthday eva!" - 1 point, teresa. we went to this spot, kabal, that had a reggae, hiphop, dancehall night. free before eleven, so we get there at the eleven. homeboy was carding. we tell him, "she'll be 21 at midnight." this sloppy michelin-man-looking dude goes, "well see you in an hour." (WHAT!?) he couldn't be serious, could he? yes. quite serious, indeed. but we did bust his chops long enough to get her free at 12. could i get in free, since we were together? "no," he says, "it's not your birthday." well damn. that's how we ended up at harry's country club - it's not siddity, that's just the name. felt real grown up, you know? i'm running short on time so this will be "to be continued...." hey teresa, wasn't this entry suppose to be about work? oops!

you know it's hard out here for a pimp....

why have the last two days felt like i was preparing for the first day of school? except even worse because i would be the only kid in my class? couldn't sleep and didn't really. returned the rental and came to a startling realization - it's hard out here for a pimp! (well, not really. i just wanted to say that). but seriously, with no dough to speak of i'm feeling really "grown up" right now. rent due. no ride. new city. no fam. it gets deep, but thankfully i can't really say that i'm on the grind. i'm working, but it's not intense yet. i do realize, after looking at some of the research and resource materials (aka "black people for dummies"), that i am in a significant position to input complexity and the beautiful nuances that make our culture so wonderful - at least i am training to be in that position soon. my colleagues seem really pleasant and my head supervisor is a spelmanite (i feel, i feel alright). my first meeting involved an area of cultural expertise that i do not yet have. i was glad for this because i have somthing to learn and it will keep me on my toes. the other two new-hires i met today were designers. we walked around and listened alot and received alot of paperwork. when i came to my division after lunch i had a desk covered with balloons and decorations and streamers and (you guessed it) cards. i'm glad i met some of these folks at a team get-together on saturday. i knew some names and it took the edge of. mad east coast heads, so i found a translator (ie Hy-Vee? oh, that's like ShopRite). i think i can get to like it here. tasha seems to think i can blow this city-town wide open. i hope i prove her right. shout out to the barracks rat....more to be said later....i saw hustle and flow; that analysis is coming soon....

leaving home and going home (or) not quite lewis and clark, but an expedition nonetheless

(sigh) tasha and i made it safely to kansas city yesterday. rented a car. signed my lease. did some looking around and some necessity shopping (i mean "we need a blanket to sleep on and some soap to clean the apartment" necessity not the "this bag will be gone when the fall line comes in and i can't risk it" necessity). my space is as beautiful as i remember it, and as soon as i can get some pictures up on this blog jon then you'll know exactly what i mean. i am so glad my sister came with me. not only did we want to do this together, i realize that i needed someone with me in the beginning at least. she's really taking the edge off. it is such a cute little city-town. this morning we got up and found the library (thus i am blogging). it's got these giant books outside and the steps are made of concreate books and it's just so darling. i have work on monday, so i'm trying to figure out the pub trans since the rental car's going back on monday. the monsy's kinda slim right now...okay, i'll be frank, my account looks like kate moss but if i can hold out - if i can keep it together til the end of this month (and i just had 4 years of "broke" training, so i should be able to do that) i will be okay. i miss you all so much already. kimberly patrice, your key ring was a most useful gift. and tiona's art was the first piece to go up in the apartment, so shout out to t. my belongings have not arrived yet, so i don't have much else to put up anywhere....i think we came down just in time for pride weekend. there were rainbows and free t-shirts and liquor and outdoor music and all that stuff everywhere. me and tash were like, "oh, hell yeah." it says alot to me if that's going on; it means the community here is at least somewhat forward thinking. maybe we'll find some trouble to get into tonight because we were just too tired after running around yesterday. the phrase that pays, ladies and gentlemen: "free fun!!!!....sorry l, i 4got the paragraphs again - damn.

as the bewitching hour draws nigh

three days left....it's close now. as i prepare to use this opportunity to turn over a new leaf (of sorts), i'm enjoying the last of the sweet grit left on this old one. it is the decay of the old from which the new springs forth anyway. in the face of oncoming responsibility i am care free. safely sensory driven. want to see/hear/smell/touch/taste,taste,taste all that i will be leaving behind. let it seep into my pores. run through my veins. mix with my blood. fill me up until it lifts me off the ground. and while i will be reborn (to a degree) in kc i want to take this with me. this intensity of life and all of its facets; so good that it's teetering on bad but one can't tell cause there's smiling on either side. and why not?.... when will she write again? what will she write when she does? if she does? why wouldn't she? .... was listening to this poet's cd at my homegirls' house yesterday. his name is talaam acey. known him for years - a gifted cat. he spits mostly about sex and social issues. both hot buttons, but very different buttons indeed. and this is his living. poetry and slamming and traveling and performing and writing about that of which he is certain and insecure. tapping into the vulnerability of his audience to cause riots and orgasms - sometimes simultaneously (that's why they call him the good deacon). he mentions in one of his pieces that his messages come from a place much older that him. he is basically a conduit for the ancestors. but aren't we all? we all? we all?....we all are personas that we would never admit to being. something a little darker and shadowy and uninhibited. and if this not you, that's fine. i was speaking in the monarchal plural anyway.... i have to work on this laptop situaiton asap (asap, asap, a....) because things may get really interesting sooner than i think. wait. am i calling on the universe to entertain and enlighten me with peculiar circumstances in a new city? why no! i am just saying that should they occur, i won't be mad ;).... being a little rebel-rouser today, i feel. a little catalyst. a little troublemaker, but good trouble though. good trouble. don't know why. maybe it's the side of the bed i woke up on this mor....afternoon. [aside: is was requested of me to please use paragraphs because i just go on and on and it's hard to read, but i forgot today, so the best i can do right now is different colors. i'll try, but if i break it up, will it be a blog? won't it just be blips?]

until next time....

because i should have something to say by now

this is an interesting hodge podge of realms.... i'm blogging on the computer at my father's house in a jersey suburb. more affectionately referred to by yours truly as "the highest room in the tallest tower." supposed to have the jersey version of my send off tomorrow out here, but it's too far for some people to get to, and i didn't do my best at pre planning, so many have not been able to make the preparations necessary to travel. it will be fine; i will see those i am meant to see when i am meant to see them. it will be fine. still haven't done any creative writing really, just journaling (which counts on some days but not others). have to work out my computer situation because i realize that my having one is not merely a luxury. i will not use my work place pc for personal use (at least not so early in the game, are you kidding me?), so i need my own not only to maintain communication with all you beautiful people but to find the directions to my nearest grocery, library, museum, etc. i don't mind getting lost, but my tolerance may shrink when i only have my weekends free to go there and back again. i will be in kansas city alone, and for how long i cannot yet say. it sucks, but (and this might not sound the way i mean it) it is a little easier to bare when i know that it's tough on the other end too. not just some "see you when i see you" type stuff. i considered deployment necessary. schooling - necessary. i guess i should try to see this in the same light because relocation isn't simple. in fact, it may only be simple for a recent college graduate (are you going to scraborough fare?) who has only the shit she can fit in her dorm room and a bed (thanks byrd).... i'm leaving my baby brother and sister, who aren't babies at all but still very impressionable. in stages in their lives where molding is crucial. i feel in a way that i am abandoning them. one going into high school in the fall and the other next fall. i need to be here to put a tough-loving foot in their asses so that they get and keep their games up. say it with me, "college scholarship!" but my leo half is back from spain, so i feel a little better about leaving. she don't play.... accepting privilege is hard, man. looking at the two youngest ones i realize that tasha and i got a leg up (4 real) spending the time that we did with my dad. it wasn't perfectly peachy, but we saw people in a different environment. we saw people who had things and had been places and saw that shit as completely normal. we saw something besides jersey city, and i love jersey city but you know what? it will be there. probably no different than it was when i left it. i want them to go places and see things and dream big and have limitless perceptions and realize that perception is reality. i want all of this for them. i want this for all of my family, but it would probably be easiest for the youngest ones....transformation in the very space that helped to mold you is some tricky shit. i hope we can do it. i hope we can pull it off....in other news: love is wonderful, friends are stellar, life is adventure, and we are/not ordinary people. let's close this out livejournal style
mood: anxious
music: the tv advertising some new drug, another one not approved by the fda

i'm leaving on a jet plane....wait no i'm not (or) making waves and going with the flow

something about flying to or around kansas city just doesn't work out. every flight that i've taken has been delayed to the umpteenth degree (so that's what it looks like spelled out). and though i only flew standby this time, in both directions, i still don't appreciate spending a combind extra 8 hours in these two airports. adding insult to injury, i became "the chosen one" for random searches going to kc and coming back. there was such a difference in the way that the woman handled my belongings in atl versus the man at kansas city iternational. he just rummaged through my shit and gave my bag back to me all open and whatnot. (if you are thinking that you know the races of the two individuals in this scenario, leave your answers in a comment. the winner gets a prize!). but on the up side, got my 1st apartment ya'll. it has the potential to be quite fly indeed. i'm in the "city" part and i look forward to exploring what is there.... unfortunately, i missed some really cool stuff when i had to go handle this shelter business, a film screening and a bridal shower. yes, in the same day. but i hear that they were both excellent shouts out to the protagonists in either of those plotlines. getting ready to go to home #1. i haven't spent any real time in jersey city since....damn it's been a minute. it will be wonderful to see people and places and have familiar smells (arroz con pollo) and eat the best fallafel in the world. planning another send of 4 up there, so the loved ones who aren't in atlanta can still say so long (and really i just want to throw another par....get together ;). alot of my blood fam is up there - some real crazies, but i love them nonetheless. i had to say goodbye to nyiamah yesterday; so hard. she started crying when we parted and i just wanted to take her with me. i love my sisters so much and i will miss them terribly. i talked to d today, and she asked me how i was feeling about mt transition. i said aside from missing everyone that i don't feel so displaced. told her i was going with the flow, but i was also making thw waves....yeah that's pretty accurate....

jumping the gun's not a problem, now removing the safety...

the curious thing about trying to move from passive agression to assertion (or assertiveness, if you will) is that it takes a while to get comfortable in - a minute before you really get the hang of it. and, of course, there's always those damn relapses of punktivity. so you walk around like a young mutant, an adolescent x-man who can't control when she shoots things off - when she destroys things. wrong times, wrong situations, wrong people, just wrong wrong wrong. the only thing right is the intention - to come clean, clear the air, make it better. but if intention alone was enough, well let me tell you my friend, we'd all be geniunely happy and fit and strong and charismatic and alot of other things.... just want to do what's right and simultaneously what is best for me (shouldn't those two be one and the same?). want to give and keep happiness. usually don't have trouble finding it, but it's a slippery little sucker. some mornings, nothing that happened the days before matters. starting new seems the natrual thing to do, but the evening brings yesterdays with him and voi-la! i'm back where i started, except with a few more complications than i remember, plus a contusion or two. may be beating my head against a brick wall; knowing what i don't want, but not what i do. i think that i've put a large helping of patience into the universe. here's hoping i make good on my return.

pace,
tmL

a hard day's night

i pulled my first all-nighter since i graduated in may (with the exception of the hallmark app, but the end justified the means) and let me say for the record - i do not miss them. being on the other side of procrastination makes me all the more adamant about reducing the tendency in myself. some of my girls (possessive much?) had papers due today and some tomorrow. i read about ten 7-10 page papers, 3 or so five paragraph essays, two powerpoint presentations ( and a partridge in a pear tree!) and did not rest until 4:30am. i spoke to jay briefly in between and he says, "have fun! you should be happy, your editing!" yeah, that and a dollar seventy-five will get me on the marta - one way. honestly, i was glad i could help them though. i tried to explain some of the corrections i made to them, like the grammatical/mechanical rules that apply. but for the most part, they just wanted me to fix it, and i realized that i am one of the few who really gets excited about the technique of writing (did i just put my geek status on blast?). the experience gave me a new found empathy for my past professors who took many moons to return papers. your eyes start to burn, the words run together, if it's not provocative and enlightening you just wanna fail it and call it a day. but you don't, of course. they weren't bad by any means, but the hours start to take their toll....wow, i probably sound like a teacher - all talking about "the kids", but that's really what's been goings on.

*in other news*

going to look at apartments soon; hope i find one that:
- i like
- is affordable (not cheap)
- is near my job
- has a cute super (just threw that in there to raise an eyebrow ;)
sayida and i, our lil' shindig is this sunday. some cannot attend and that kinda sucks, but that's what happens with late planning (note to self, fix that). i hope to see as many as i can and take just as many pictures. when i go back to jc, i'm gonna have a little send off there too - for the same reasons: goodbyes, pictures, address exchanging, etc. i hope being surrounded by so many beautiful people doesn't make the sudden shift to "teresa the dolo editor" a more difficult one. tasha will join me for the first few days, at least (shout-out, thanks gnomey). then, it's on to the kansas city life, which may have neither hustle nor bustle but perhaps a traffic light, some tumble weed, a grocery who still wears suspenders and coke-bottle glasses, and a candle making shop for weekend activity. j/k. i don't know what that city holds for me or what i have for it, but we will find out. we will do a dance together. bow and curtsey, rock and sway. it's not new york or atlanta, but i do look forward to it. someone was just telling me about a pearl cleage play they saw about black women and reclaiming their freedom in the midwest somewhere (kansas, i think). perhaps a greater freedom waits for me there? i won't anticipate finding her. i would rather a pleasant surprise. walk facing the left, so when freedom approaches on my right i can say i didn't seeing it coming. although we always see it coming, don't we? i also think that perhaps distance will bring me closer to some, those for whom proximity is more of an awkward hinderance than a convenience (myself included).... hand in hand/ still walking alone/ he holds the hand of a corpse/ she withdraws into her living mind and is dead outside/ wish he could join her there/ where she is everything she needs and everything he wants/ she asks, "will you come with me down this rabbit hole?"/ it's dark and damp, but there is an entire world waiting on the other side/ abide with me in that space/ free of assumptions and inconvenience/ free of temptation and shadows/ free of despair dancing in the sunshine/ "will you come with me down this rabbit hole?"/ of course it seems like down, but it's up somewhere/ nay, madame, i know not seems/ dreams deferred until they become nightmares/ he loves me, he loves me not/ one too many petals/ doesn't matter since they don't deal in flowers/ "will you come with me down this rabbit hole?"/ where we are equal but have our special parts/ no play is successful if the characters do not play their parts - do not know their lines/ "will you come with me down this rabbit (w)hole?"/ bring all of you, so that you cannot say that i did not touch you there/ so that you cannot say that i do not know you/ "will you come with me down...."/ "i'm late for a very important date!" he says/ and runs in the other direction....

on the come up...?

so, anyone who knows me knows that i am not the most tech-savvy chick you'll ever meet. but, lo and behold! i figured out how to add the linkage (holla!) -( wait, nobody says that anymore. wait, that doesn't matter). so there was probably a way to do that in the beginning that i totally overlooked and granted all i had to do was go to blogger help or something, but hey, i'm not about to undercut this accomplishment o'mine. also on the horizon: going to look at apartments in kc next week (kc. sounds like jc, but not quite). hallmark sent the relocation stipend, so i don't have to come outta pocket (and i definitely appreciate that). the program at spelman is winding down. which means so is my time here in atlanta and the east coast in general. less than a month...woah. maybe i'm making too big a deal of it, but i'm excited and nervous and a bunch of other things. and perception is reality, right? i want to have a gathering before i go. say farewell. exchange addresses and phone numbers and such. take pictures of the many beautiful people that i am blessed to know. gonna take pictures of the campus before i'm out to. maybe i'll decorate the new place with them. who knows? my life is changing so much, so why do i feel the same?

pace,
tmL

sometimes words just feel good to me

fluid/ liquidy openness/ languid boneless freedom/ sensible sensitive sensory-driven highwire hard act to follow/ easy to swallow goes down smooth but leaves you soon/ dissipates in orange rays/ are they from the moon or the sun?/ words be like maniac magee, sometimes they just run/ rhyme sometimes is the reason/ the meaning be in the nature of things/ one quarter to figure it out before it make change/ jingle in a pocket or on the TV/ comes to the same end/ never see it coming, but always see it go/ want to be more open but kept in a box/ want to move like pumas, but i only travel fox/ been dying to converse, but i can't seem to just do it/ want to be impulsive, but i always think through it/ want to choose an instance that would yield the least consequence - so much for a risk taker/ want to give it all away, but scared the world will not repay - so much for a love maker/ bet that if i play fair i can always win - so much for a high staker/ somebody take her away/ she's teasing the minors 'til the majors come out to play/ in the sappling stages of her hay day/ watch me grow/ reap solitude and sincerity/ watch me sow/ of this i'm absolutely certain, i do not know...

let's do the scooby doo ending...

ever have a day where the energy just feels all swiggly like flashback scenes in the movies?... uh... me either.

as the world turns

the summer days drift on in haze/ like hendrix but not purple/ more like bluish-green/ i ride a yellow submarine to the pleasure machine which takes me to a phantom tollbooth/ "ticket for one please"/ way one to audacity/ never thought she'd make it there/ so knowledgeable, but so unaware/ plenty of concerns, but never a care/ in the world this little girl is powerful/ so powerful that one more notch will leave her at powerless/ and out of breathe/ and filled with more or less/ or more of less/ like subtraction stew/ she was in trouble from the moment she took a bite and began to chew...

can i get closer?/ just let me get closer. / if you say no, then i'll gladly go, but don't/
leave me in suspended animation/ itching with anticipation/ reaching out for our next encounter/ while you point and laugh behind a double sided looking glass/ standing there with the bad cop/ comfortably shielded by my perception of you/ i'm not saying another word until i talk to my lawyer...

(i don't know what those were/ are/ will be yet)

hey young world! the world is yours! young world, young world! young wor-or-or-orld! wow, only just gone, but so far removed. i watch these girls in the program and wonder what is going on in their minds. do they just talk about alot of things that they've never experienced, they way we used to do? i'm afraid to think that the truth is that they know all too well of which they speak. took some of them across the street yesterday; apparently something has gone down to give one of the girls a "reputation" already. the guys started making sly, rude comments and she bucked up on 'em hard. i spoke to their RA and told him that if their boys couldn't behave as gentlemen then the ladies would have to leave (got to look out for my spelman sisters, even the potential ones). i really wanted to be a little less professional and help her chew their asses to a pulp (how you just gon' dis-retrospect me like that?). but, how can i defend you if you are not your own first line of defense? so, i want to talk to her, then meet with them and say, "see? when we say be careful about your behavior it's not because we're trying to spoil your fun. it's because guys can be real assholes and all they need is the slightest inkling to start a huge catastrophe. sometimes they don't need anythign at all." i'm trying to let them be independent but not too much. i'm trying to resist that overly maternal urge, but not too much...

in other news

i finish the program at spelman on july 23rd. i begin my first day at hallmark on august 8th. two weeks isn't alot of time to transition.

until next time,
tmL

ps- i did that thing from bettina's blog. i found the results quite...um...interesting?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

breathe and stop...

now i know what tom hanks must have felt like in terminal. in the airport all day, trying to fly stand by on the brink of one of the biggest commercial holidays of the summer (real smart, teresa). but 10 hours and 3 missed flights after i began my attempt i was on a plane back to atlanta. so, no harm no foul, right? i made it to my baby bro's graduation and i saw my family, including my long lost spanish sister, and it was well worth it. i didn't get to see my dad (sniff, sniff) but i see him when i go back at the end of the month...i didn't get to explore kc very much while i was there because of a really tight schedule, but i'll have time when i - (drum roll please) go back in august to start as and associate editor for the mahogany division - YEAH!!!! they called me yesterday afternoon while i was in the airport. it's so amazing! i am so blessed, and i ask myself, "what have i done so good to be so blessed?" i still can't answer that, but God knows how thankful i am. i have to figure out how to celebrate. once in atlanta and once in jersey, maybe? it feels so big, so overwhelming. i'll be so far away from the people i love so dearly. gotta get a computer now or my phone bill will be throught the roof... those i have told are happy for me, but some are sad that i will be so far away from them. i understand that; i'm sad too, in that regard... so, i'm still an RA here at spelman and i'm doing that job. i still have to move my things and i'm figuring out that situation. but nothing quite feels real right now. not an out-of-body experience, but maybe one foot in/ one foot out? i feel kinda light-headed and liquidy... crazy man. and it's not just the job but what it symbolizes. my life is in major transition right now, and it's kinda fun and scary and i'm gonna try to keep my eyes open for the whole ride.

peace,
tmL

there's a whole w(h)id(t)e world out there!

i'm goin' to kansas city, kansas city here i come...

flew into kansas city, mo, on the 26th. interviewed all day on the 27th, and i should know something by the end of this week. i wanted to hold out, to keep it to myself until i knew the final outcome, but what the hell? what good is this thing if i use it to keep informatin from people - especially the handful of ya'll who read it? so yes, i got the interview. yes, i feel like it went well. i want to claim it without being cocky. i want to have back-up plans without being pessimisstic (and i think i just butchered the spelling of that word). i didn't get to see much, but on the metropolis-meter kc is not ny; it's not jc; hell, it ain't even atl. they say, "it's the big city that feels like a small town." that sounds like code for, "we got alot of big buildings, but there isn't shit to do here." hope i'm wrong. hope i'm fortunate and blessed enough where my concern is what to do for fun in kc, nah mean?... the move is far and far removed, but it may be time for me to be unknown again... i did make it home and to my lil bro's 8th grade graduation. he cried, my mom cried, some teachers cried. i'm so proud of him; he's growing into such a young man and my little meLissa, well oh my goodness! families go through stuff sometimes, but damn do i love mine. i look at my baby brother and sister (who are 13 and 12 and not babies by any stretch of the imagination) and see no limit on their future. my mom, she is doing what she is capable of and i hope she feels validated in her efforts when we achieve the way that we do, all 5 of us in our respective ways...hot damn, my tasha is back. this is big ass news! this one has been in spain all school year and i have missed her like no other. today we cracked jokes ceaselessly and laughed 'til we cried and it was wonderful to not have to explain my humor - none of it. after graduation we went to my mom's and then met up at the mall later. our respective "ball-and-chains" were with us (i say that affectionately), but they walked behind us talking and we galivanted about, arm in arm, being sisters and best friends. bonded over the semi-annual, how lovely! worried about who to contact while i'm home. i know i won't be able to see everyone and picking and choosing is not my bag, never has been. but it would be wrong not to at least let people know that i am here, no?... with just a little more counsel, i made decide to take matters into my own hands. she said regret was one of the worst things to have. i agree. i only get to do this lifeitme once, right?...that's too far to be alone, bu maybe it will allow me to do some more growing up (wow, that shit never ends, huh?)... invited to be a part of 3, but wondering of there is a hidden invite to be a part of 2. both invitaions are tempting..when there is a euphoric confusion that starts to settle down, either by clarity or fatigue, do we stir it back up? perplex ourselves once more because we've become addicted to the butterflies?
"i guess i'll see you next lifetime. no hard feelings, baby." - erykah badu
"you ain't gotta save mine for later, i'd rather have it right now anyway." - darius lovehall (love jones)

peace,
tmL

money IS a thing (apparently)

so perhaps i should have been working all along, but i wasn't and maybe i confuse "lookin' out" for "trying to get over" but i feel i'm being played in a major way. i mean damn, i thought...but...well nevermind, initial purpose served i guess.so correction - i like being a traveler, not a nomad, especially when i've got all this stuff (it's not shit; they're good things, books and music and such). paying for storage is such a rip off. think about it - i pay to put some things in one spot and not touch them...huh? exactly. nonsense...not feeling quite right on the inside. i hate that, like tears are falling backwards. everything's just so up in the air right now and here i go trying to spare feelings and fix feelings and abandon my feelings and i know it won't work and i'm stubborn for even trying...boy, what a rant, but as my mommy would say, "it bees that way sometimes." moms say the funniest, most logical things sometimes, don't they? i know what i gotta do. gotta move again. get so tired of moving, of shuffling around, having no home. well, having no home of my own is more like it. people's hearts are real big, but their space is quite the contrary. i look forward to newness again. i wonder what kind of adult i will make. (and i ask this question as if i am not there, as if i get to pause time and think about that shit). damn i hope this interview goes well. i can figure something else out, but this is what i want. anmd dad seems to think that they must be genuinely interested if it took me most of second semester to apply and they were speedy with responses and now this. i'll have to make more acquaitances and if i'm lucky maybe a few friends. i'm really trying to prepare for such a move because it would be so much bigger than just another state...feel like watery pink and grey goop on the inside - like the stuff they ate in Orwell's 1984, except not nutritious at all...so here's what i gotta do:
1. move some stuff
2. get this career jumpin' off
3. not make myself a casualty
4. seduce my muse
5. not take shit personally
(not in any particular order of importance though)

(some of) the gang's still here

yeah, hella 05' graduates are working at spelman. they can'd get rid of us that easy, i guess. i'm glad to be here because b4 the RA opportunity for this program i was truly a bum, but this is cool. my sister is coming home today!!!! i am so excited even thought i won't see her for about another week. she's home and that's double plus good... it is so cool when u find people or run into them and u think they may have forgotten about u but they haven't good feeling...called my dad for father's day and we actually talked for a minute. he was telling me what to do when i'm being courted by a company that wants me to work for them. he seems to be under the impression that hallmark is seeking me out (how about that?). i don't know if it's true, but it's an interesting thought... i hope that i can positively influence these girls in this program. i want to do some service activities with them and some consciousness raising. give them that side of spelman too, ya' know? i was considering a mini- sisterfire since alysia will be back soon and moyabean is in the place to be, but alas! it is not my place anymore (sob.) but i have the utmost confidence in the new fantastic four. two vets and two cherries. they will do a spelndiferous job; i just hope i can hall ass and make it back to atl for one of the amazing sessions. to think about it makes me smile...damn i'm blessed! the people i know, the things i've experienced, the life i have yet to live. i don't know if i've done anything so good (in this life or the previous) to deserve all of this. boy, God, i really appreciate this...love in all forms...
peace,
tmL

down the middle

i wonder how safe it is to blog in public, not that any of these people are paying me any mind... anyway, won't be going home as soon as i thought, but i guess that's okay. things have been happening in this world o'mine, but i don't know to what end. got a big ol' slice of good news yesterday and a handful of bad news. i don't want to speak on either yet (oh the suspense! what is she talking about?) (i guess this is how daytime television networks do it). stepping into the world only feels slightly different so far. i guess it's because i've been doing some things on my own for a while... damn do i dance around things...so split down the middle is what i am. want people to know you, for real know you and want to keep introverted, to yourself. want to be rambuncious (that spelling is probably so wrong) and want to not regret (but honestly, the rambuncious side kinda has it on this one). want to be committed and want to be free. want to be outright sexy and want to be shy and alluring. want to be an academician and want to be a craftswoman. want to be an artist and want to be a scientist. want to have it all planned out and want to leave chances to the wind. want to be understood and want to be an enigma. want to be totally independent..(okay, bullshit that's impossible). want to be cocky and humble. want to be acknowledged and invisible****want to be settled and want to go. to go and go and go and never stop and not own anymore than i can carry on my back. either side of every example has its benefits, but desiring them both results in some lukewarm state that's worth the retail value of a pissy mattress...and then the scariest part is to open yourself to those who don't really care to know you and close yourself to those who really are curious...projection is a menacing thing once you recognize when you do it...turning over a new leaf is difficult when there's all that cruddy shit underneath it...want people to get it and want to keep it to yourself...one thing, at least, i'm not split about, i would never rather not know. i don't opt for ignorance over knowledge, or at least not so far in my life...can't get upset when people don't get you if you only reveal but so much...finished writing for Hallmark, time to start writing for me now..."that isn't polite, Toto, we haven't been asked yet."

confession

forgive me blogger, for i have sinned. it has been weeks since my last blog. it is so addictive; i think i actually started breaking out in hives the other day. having no home computer sucks, but i haven't lay totally dormant(well, honestly i did for a spell). i finished hallmark set #2, started writing again ( i hope the muse can forgive me, right now i'm entreating her to take me back), moved into an old new place. closer but isolated...missing people, lots of people...i guess my future was so in my face that the past got jealous, so here comes the past back in my face. now they unknowingly compete for my attention...what neither knows is that i am so anamoured with the present that i can only see the other two in my periphery...my sister's coming home! that's so important i need to say it again - my sister's coming home dammit!!!! we are going to kick it so hard. the world, are they ready?...yo! my baby brother is graduating from 8th grade in 15 days! i am soooo proud of that little nigga' (and i don't use that word, but i am so crunk about it that i have to)! shout out to MARK HILL, i love you bro! ... lots of creative projects in the works. shout out to beanju for mad support on the app... the phrase that pays right now, "ebb and flow"...the up and down is what makes it worth riding/ and hiding is only fun when they seek you out/ and doubt is confidence's evil twin/ we trapped that bastard in the attic/ wouldn't you know he was a locksmith?/ so he escapes to do some haunting/ works to make my tasks more daunting/ holding the future in his hands and flaunting it/ taunting me with psychological scare tactics that the end won't justify the means/ but little does he know that i live for the means to justify themselves/ the end is not my concern...

(that last part was more of a blurb than a blog, i think. i can dig it)
peace,
tmL

not gift - power

started the ball rolling today. packed more things away. cleaned and reflected on a few things. journaled a bit. wanted to write a poem, but it turned into a journal entry. i'm okay with that though; so long as i'm writing i'm fine. went to see a dance performance today...amazing. dancers have always amazed me, but to see this young girl full of charisma and talent and a mother that supports her completely... i thought about my sisters and how they both dance and how i want to support them in any way that i can. then i hope that i am such a fabulous mom that my children are humble and obedient, but still know that they are the sh*t. and oh yes, they will be the sh*t. on a damper note, one of my sisterfriends she came and had a bad day. i was glad that she felt she could tralk to me, but i wish there was more i could do. sometimes the best thing to do is to listen. by the end of the night, after the performance she was laughing again. it was good to see, even if just for a time, and it occurred to me that we have the power to heal each other and ourselves. not gift - power, and why not? if we are made in the image of the all-powerful how can we not contain at least a bit of power? illogical, isn't. and the world wants us to disown our power in the name of what? gender? femininity? hell no. i say, be powerful!!!!

i'm not afraid anymore! (today...)

i might really be on to something with this americorp thing, but i haven't explored all the options thoroughly. i will continue to do so as i work towards the hallmark semi-goal. why "semi" you ask? because it is a good place to start, but that is far from the ultimate goal of performance and plays and the cannon. i need some fantasy in my life right now. the triumph of good over evil, magic and wizards and fairies and such. i need lord of the rings. maybe star warz would do the trick, but i've never watched so i don't know. maybe i'll just read sundiata - a fabulous read, by the by... i feel the tide turning. i've had enough down time. i'm so cool with running full speed ahead, even if it means falling. who lives a full life without bumps and bruises? i don't want to be unscarred. i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul. life is not before me, it is beside me. it is surrounding me. i am so ready...laterZ~ tmL

i wonder, will it take me under?

okay, so i'm a little more frightened than i care to admit. life is real. responsibility is serious and fear doesn't help a damn thing. kweli's joint "get by" comes to mind. but i never wanted to just get by. it's not as important to me that the end justify the means as it is that the means justify themselves because life is so short and so uncertain that we are not guaranteed to make it to the end anyway...so hard, so hard pressed...i know it's only as difficult as we make it, but i can be really hard on myself. it's like a jungle sometimes...tmL

great expectations

jay's gone home. i miss him alot. when i woke up and he wasn't there it felt weird. like he was fitting in...it's funny because i was feeling clastrophobic for a minute, but he doesn't restrict me at all. that's so peace... i went to see where i'm gonna be staying after i leave my beloved first apartment ((((sniff, sniff)))). i'm gonna miss that place, but the new one is nice too, for a temporary stay. gotta get some income coming in, jump start the writing energy, and - just -really focus man. it occurred to me that i'm not just finding something to pass the time until the fall semester comes in; i don't have a fall semester coming for at least two years. it's spooky, man. still working on this hallmark thing, but what then? what do i want after that? i had a professor tell me that it's okay to write for hallmark but please don't become a "hallmark writer", please don't stop there because she thinks i'm a great mind. do you know how much it means to hear that from a professor(s) who you think so highly of? it's the biggest rush. i take compliments better than i used to, but it's scary like what if i don't live up to everyone's expectations of me? sounds like a real typical and unnecessary concern probably. it only comes to mind sometimes. usually i feel confident that i'm going to do/be great things. i'm destined to, no doubt about that - i don't know exactly what yet. of course as a writer i have not ruled out that, as in the grand tradition of writers, i may gain the most notariety posthumously. it's cool. i feel like i gotta develop a ritual, not just a formula, for writing so that all of the voices that need a vessel can get to me easily. i can't discuss everything that goes on in my mind, but....it gives me plenty of material - fiction of course - well, mostly. i feel like poetry is cryptic and poets sometimes want to communicate, but without saying what they mean directly. it's the doublethink that drives us to desire to share and keep secrets simultaneously - maybe just me(i've been addicted to doublethink since i read 1984 in the 12th grade). gotta work on this application some more. creativity for profit - capitalism's a bugger, ain't it? laterz~ tmL

you can't deny the charges

so, i am now a spelman alumna. it happened only 5 days ago, but in light of all that must take place sooner than later graduation already feels like it happened so long ago. i'm am/was having anxiety about freedom and restriction and what they mean in a patriarchy. everything feels like restriction and i just what to run (i feel like i've said this already?). jay is so understanding because i've been withdrawn a little, while he's been visiting, and he just lets me be. i love him. i love my friends, and when they got to meet each other it was beautiful. i was anxious about that too. those two worlds meshing, but it was smooth. they understood and appreciated each other. such a blessed night. parties (excuse me, "get togethers") like instant pancake mix - just add water. good food, music, people, energy. tears and smiles, but all so good. just a few missing from the number, and they were missed greatly... so weird; it's so weird. how seeming endings spark brand new beginnings... discipline is so key for success, and being true to self takes discipline. esp when one is accustomed to feigning for the comfort of others, but not in a self-denial way, but in a "what difference does it make anyway?" sort of way... writers must experience => i am a writer => i must experience. simple enough, isn't it? deLaine cried the other day when we picked up our degrees and all day long. crying off and on...very hard because i wanted to hugged her and stuff but when deLaine and i get emotional we just shake it off like a couple of old macho italian men. that's what we've done for the last three years. it always worked b4. but lots of things that worked before don't seem to work now...lots of things...that worked so naturally. just...don't...fit. but society says it has to, right? so it has to, right? so we pretend that we don't see that square jammed in the circle's space but it doesn't fit. it doesn't, but when the toddler makes it fit, the toddler is so proud, and we cannot tell the toddler that it is wrong. we only smile and say, "that's good baby, real good." eventually we cease to see the space around the circle ourselves. the space that bares witness that it does not fit. no more fisher-price for me. laters~tmL